The blog was left for a while whilst life settled down following the end of uni, getting a job and trying to figure life out a little bit. A few thoughts have been shared, pausing on pursuit, peaks of 2015 and a recent letter to myself. Its all quite easy though, to only show the world what you want them to see. To tint the view of reality.
After seeing a recent social media post from a school friend around battling a tough period, I feel empowered to empty out the thoughts and struggle which has been the supporting number throughout the high notes of the SN musical so far.
I'm incredibly fortunate to have such patient and understanding people around me, who have and continue to allow me to think for myself and try to figure life out. I'm still not sure what this whole thing is all about, but I am realising that time has to be put into the right places. For reflections to be managed, and not turn into negative pit falls.
Developing a leadership philosophy has brought with it an awful lot of Sarah Time. Time which has just been filled with understanding myself as a person, the real and public self - not just the one I think I am. It's a scary world, inside our own heads. The things we tell ourselves, our self-limiting beliefs which we take as the truth can be so destructive. Ultimately, we are in control of it all. What we believe, how we behave, internalise and what we breathe into the world. It is our attitude from the minute we wake up to when we go to sleep which impacts on ourselves and others.
It's frustrating, to have such hard wired gremlins and self limiting beliefs which are fuelled on memories of not being good enough, having to manage bullies and incompetence through education. Of trying to be my own person in a world half full of wannabes who are following the popular kid, not realising that view of reality only lasts for so long. When it comes to the present, these memories continue to tug. Despite growing, becoming the person I am, the back of my mind are the individuals who tried to tear me down. Some would say they are winning. Beliefs which I haven't been able to shake off.
It's that usual paradox, I spend so much time supporting and showing belief in others. I enjoy nothing more than investing time into listening to others and being some kind of safe haven, that I manage to ignore my own thoughts and feelings. I find it easier to help others, than to help myself.
From reading this blog from the starting post to now, it is difficult to see the struggle. I re-read thoughts and re-live experiences, often in disbelief that I was the one fortunate to have them. There is a level of disbelief from people when told I find being confident difficult. I find it amusing, because, people only see what I want them to see. I'm very careful of the Sarah Nickless on display.
Almost like the guy from 'A Christmas Carol', doubt hangs on like weight and chains strapped to my ankles. A reminder to calm down when things are getting good, to slow down when it goes my way. An uncomfortable pull from the past which has no place in my present or future. I frustrate myself, because I control this. Despite the huge highs, I fall back into the same thoughts.
I haven't been able to accept the person I am right now.
The annoying thing is, I know what I am capable of. The personal growth as shown through this blog and achievements, progress made tells a very different story. Possibly also a battle which is slowly coming to an end. Of competing with myself my own self-beliefs against reality. It's accepting and enjoying filling my own marble jar [google Brene Brown's talk on trust]. I simply wouldn't be where I am if reality told the same story which I tell myself. My next steps are finding ways to believe it myself. To completely accept who I am, and live on the the cusp of the wave as opposed to waiting on the shore.
Life is the party we all hoped for, after all, we control the music.
