'Been, on this path
of life of so long. Feels I've walked a thousand miles.'
Finding words here is
difficult, but Take That haven't failed me yet.Possibly an ironic way to start
a blog post, but it's where I am. Multiple different sentences have been
attempted to break this one in, but none of them quite fit. They don't capture
the size and breadth of thoughts I've been playing with. Perhaps ones which I
put aside last year and didn't fully lean into.
This is me stepping
off the ride, with an immense sense of gratitude to the people and moments
which have consumed the last 10 months, 10 years, arguably longer.
This time last year,
I was coming to the end of my Youth Council journey. Teetering around the edges
of a mental breakdown which I'd managed to prolong over a series of months.
Weeks away from entering a period of therapy to try and understand what was
going on, and move into a better space.
I'm spending 2020 in
a similar setting.. a free month to breathe and reset. Leaning into the
uncertainty with excitement and to what comes next. I'm in no rush. Which means
I can really feel my way through this.
'This' being the come
down from the rollercoaster which I've written about in the past. The one which
I wanted to end at high speed, whizzing and whirling until the end. I guess I'm
at the point of getting off, finding my footing as I walk away trying to retain
balance. Head scrambled, blood rushing. The difference this time is that was
the last ride of the day. Time to go home.
The football bit has
always been the vehicle. The mode in which I have been able to learn, make
mistakes, become myself, help the people. Somewhat of an outliar, is the stance
I seem to have taken up. One of someone who cares more about the people, than
the numbers. I don't really fit. And for a little while now I have realised the
football bit isn't what excites me.
This game though, has
given me everything I know.
Whether we're talking
about the last 10 months, 10years and longer. After learning what it felt like
to belong, and knowing that can be achieved through football my ambitions have
been about how we can allow more people to realise their potential and find
their feet through football and the opportunities it provides people to be
better people.
I've given as much as
I can.
I've arguably lived
my dream. If dreams are built on roles and titles. There are however bigger
mountains to scale. And I think a higher purpose to be lived. It was never
about the role - but the opportunity to allow people to be their best, using
football to achieve that. Finding my purpose, and living it through sport.
Football hasn't made
me who I am.. It has provided the opportunity for me to find myself. I believe
in service, living and leading via the heart in a way to provide for
others.
My only real aim is
to always be a team mate or colleague of whom people are glad to have. To live
within my integrity. To open the zoo, always.
I owe a great deal
for the moments and memories. For the countries I've been to, and people met.
For the people who now fill my life as friends, real ones. My house is a container
for memorabilia, collections of items to remind me of what was and is possible.
I hope through my own journey, I've been able to break a few glass ceilings
meaning other people have fewer battles to fight - or perhaps just new ones.
Better ones. I hope that an example can be seen of
what happens when good people are allowed time to bring out the good in people
- which I like to think I am a product of.
Chasing a role isn't
a life. Living a purpose most definitely is.
Maybe I'll return one
day, but for now it's time to become a fan again, and get back to enjoying the
game in the same way which I fell in love with it. Who knows, there might even
be a team who need a questionably calamitous centre half too.
FWAW*
Sarah Nickless
Human Being.
*Fucking Wolves Aye
We.
