To A Younger Self..

I'm always writing letters, for the future self. For different moments, when I need a pep talk, when I need a reminder of moments, roots and dreams. Although I might reflect on events, opportunities and lessons I probably owe myself a little something more. This one is a bit more personal, but a welcome reminder of what warriors are built from...

A letter to my 8 year old self...


Dear Sah,

I'm proud of you, for knowing life isn't all we want it to be... but you're willing to take on the challenge. You'll never be the popular fashionista, lets get that out the way early doors.. it just isn't for you - and you will grow to learn that 'being real' is about who you are, for you. Not for the attention of anyone else.

There will be times, testing times, which will hurt and never be forgotten. A night in May 2003, when you'll miss that parents evening, ask your parents if they are splitting up and get the reply of 'yes'. That will be awful. Just remember though, Mom and Dad might not love each other, but they certainly love you. Even among the heartache, you'll have that memory, of sitting on their bed looking through all the photos and moments shared.. there will be many more.

You'll play in your first football match, be the attack, midfield and defence - at the same time! Captain your school team and quite possibly fall in love with a game which will change your life. That welcome distraction to real life is worth every second of ecstasy across the white line, enjoy it though Sah, your body might not hold out for too long [Spoiler: it wont].

You won't appreciate it at the time, but Mom and Dad will give up a lot for you to play football, take care of your fan club. You'll become 'the football girl' at school. End up in the wrong friendship group, be present to be people breaking the law in front of you eyes and choose not to be involved. A leader at 12/13 you just don't know it. Once again, football will be your release. A route away from the bullies, the daily struggle. Dad will keep telling you, keep your chin up.

The trophies will mount, and so will the memories. Good ones. League titles, cup winners, a day out in  Birmingham. The memories will stand out because of the culture you will help create, The Panthers Way. A shirt holding so much pride. You wont realise it, but that team will teach you a lot. How to win graciously. How to lose. To make mistakes and own them. To show emotions you didn't think could come out over some game. You'll cry on that pitch, because you care.

Despite growing to a grand total of 6 foot 1, you will only score 1 header, when a 'keeper drops a ball on your face. Embrace it. Your only other 'header' will be an own goal in a cup final winning you concussion, nothing more. Crossbar rebounds are not ideal.

School won't be easy. Don't be fooled with that 'gifted and talented list', your aptitude for languages won't make it to GCSE, quit whilst you're ahead. This is where you will learn life's biggest lessons. No, they won't be those subjects. But how important people and relationships are. How to make them, and how to break them. Your PE teachers won't back you, but you need to back yourself. Go get that A grade, prove them wrong. You will probably doubt your place in Set One English, but your teacher won't. Trust them. Please learn that people care about you. As a person, not a student. You won't see the challenges you're creating, but teachers are protecting you from others. You will get moved classes, you will have a full online log, you will become someone who realises their limit. That's ok.

2010 will be a tough one. Holland tour, followed by your GCSEs, losing Nan and then going your own way with college choices. October will see your last opportunity to enjoy playing football. It is what it is, Sah. One door and all that. College will be worse than school. Full of people you wont like, but they will teach you traits to avoid and give you some focus to move into a crowd where you belong... stick with it kid. The knees wont hold up, you'll get frustrated. No escape, no go to release, no outlet. But this will change the direction of everything.

Everything you've learnt about the game will be important now. About how you pass it on, and let others enjoy the game you love so much. You might be naive to think you will be out playing again, don't hold your breathe. But trust you ability to allow others to.

Someone will see something in you. Something you wont see in yourself [spoiler: this will be a life trend].

The FA will enter your life, more prominently than you ever imagined. You'll be off to events around the country. Deliver a speech to launch a programme. Most importantly, in this time, you will meet people who will become friends you'll climb mountains with. Those people, will make you happy and push you to be your best self. They will celebrate your successes as much as you will celebrate theirs. You'll leave college and not look back, marching towards university and a promised land. With a spring in your step, because you belong now. In your own crowd, of people who care about the people. They get it.

Look Sah, the good runs with the bad. Moving to Uni will be crap. It will hurt. You wont want to. But you'll grow a resilience and get used to moving away, travelling and getting back in the race [not literally, you still wont be able to run]. I know you'll think uni is different, that everyone is there to learn. You need to know that's not a reality. Unfortunate, but true. That's ok though, don't need anyone else to do your degree for you.

Didn't see a published paper coming? How about 3 of them? Didn't think you liked reading? Cant wait for you to fall in love with books and crave learning. You will undoubtedly touch and influence so many lives positively, in the same way others did for you. Spend your student loan travelling to coach every night, to go to events and keep being involved with those FA programmes. It will serve you better than following the crowd, but you'll never do that anyway.

Heck Sah, you'll have applications turned down for those opportunities you want. They will hurt. You will feel like you're not good enough. Those friends you were making, they will become so important - please look after them, as they will look after you. Have patience, trust those setbacks are for the best. That there is something to learn. No, you won't represent The FA Youth Council at first attempt, nor be a part of the BUCS SMG either.. not yet anyway. But your time will come, have hope. You might feel the world is against you, things will happen that you didn't see coming. I'm sorry. So is everyone, they will keep saying it.

Grandad might not see what is to follow in person, but he's watching. 

There will be so many 'proud parent' moments. You and Mom will have so many car journeys. That 'Take That' CD will be played over and over again. Enjoy these. Never Forget will become an anthem, just you wait.

Look Sah, life will become a blur from 2014 onwards. FA Youth Council will become a reality, it will consume your life, be ready. Scared of flying? 2 trip to Africa are coming in the same year. Ever doubted yourself? This year will give you every reason to believe, don't worry, I know this will still be a problem for you.

First Class Degree? Completed it mate. You'll get it. The real world awaits.

I know you're a home bird. But the dream is now an option. It won't be for long you might think. Moving away again. Ben won't like it. [Didn't I mention? you'll get a new best friend. That's a half brother by the way.] You'll make friends, with the M5.

The Youth Council dream stays alive. I know it wasn't ever in the plan, but you'll Chair it one day. You'll go for a promotion at work and get a knock back. You'll get frustrated and miss home, a lot. But you'll also meet and make some more incredible friends. Real ones.

You'll phone Mom to say you've made it, and she'll tell her friends 'cause she's so proud. You'll take Dad to Wembley, and Becky to watch England. You'll visit more countries and continue to struggle with the food.

Most importantly, you will stay true to your values and the person you are. Become the youngest FA Council member, and continue the work of so many others who are believing in the potential of young people.

You'll continue to astonish yourself. Make decisions for you which will come off, others wont.

I'm glad a younger you cant actually see any of this coming. I'm glad you're going to be living a life you're proud of, full of amazing people who will make you happy. You're making Mom & Dad proud everyday, don't you worry about that.

You're gonna change the world, keep being kind and take people with you. 

Always remember, Sah, the person on top of the mountain didn't fall there. Miley will tell you to keep climbing, listen to her and you'll find that summit one day. 

Strive Sarah Nickless, strive and stride.

One Last Time

It's an interesting time in the life of Sarah Nick. I've had the realisation that everything I do this season will be for the last time. That a chapter of my life is reaching an end point, and that's ok.

Over the past few days, I've taken myself to one of my favourite spots to sit with nature, and my own thoughts. To slow down the clock and think through some of the last few years and what is in front of me and the next 11 months.

Sat on this verge of dirt, in between trees leaning over a considerable drop. Trusting the world to keep me safe, and that no passers by would nudge or scare me to a fall. [Thanks to all for leaving me be]

A verge with a view, this a better example of what the distance holds... The Ironbridge, first one in the world that, a world away whilst I was sat way up high. Listening to the buzz of the road and spill of the River Severn down below. Knowing it was there, but being far enough away to be all alone.

I was thinking about my feelings, what is going through my body, my veins right now. Bewildered by how things have panned out, and led me to where I am. I feel ready, excited, and to quote Kid President ready to 'Seize the Carpe'. It's strange. I wanted to allow myself the space to feel empty and worried. But it's not there. Not yet anyway. 

There simply aren't any regrets, I believe everything has happened at the right moments, and I have grown when the space allowed me to. Progressed, learnt and pushed myself to continually support our team and work as best as I can. There's a nice thought around a real leader is worried about the goal not the role. I've been so lost on this journey that I haven't stopped to admire this amazing view.

But with that thought, also comes one which troubles me.

 These are some of the steps which lead to the view at the top, there are quite a few, and it's a pretty steep climb. Sometimes I enjoy the ponder meandering up them, some days, I just want to march until I can breathe at the top. Other days, usually when I'm with my Dad, we don't take this route - that's wisdom for us.

I guess, at different points, I have been able to glimpse at the fruits which lay at the top. I wonder about what is waiting, but keep going, step by step. One foot in front of the other. Having faith, and trusting it will be worth it. Maybe naive of me. I don't know what I've been creating, just working day after day in the right direction. 

Troubling for me, is the thought of making this year count. Enjoying it. A thought, that almost says I haven't enjoyed the journey so far. How ridiculous. But what if it's true. What if, I've been so focused on the next step that I haven't enjoyed it. And it has taken a real end point to make me slow down, to breathe in the final steps. It's like walking out of the gangway at a ground with your eyes closed, until you reach the last step then soaking it all in like - walking out of a plane for the heat to hit you. 

Reaching the final couple of steps leading to the Rotunda View to enjoy the view. When the beauty has been at every point along the way. 

I don't understand. 

I haven't ever taken anything for granted. Nothing lasts forever. I've squeezed everything out of my time with the Youth Council [so far], and made sure I haven't been leaving anything behind. What has happened for me to now 'enjoy' this part. To now feel excited about what happens now. To be relaxed, content. Comfortable even. 

Maybe, through all the trials, efforts, energy expended, peaks and pits.. I'm becoming accepting of it all. That this picture I paint in my head of 'what's next' isn't always the right one. Maybe, I'm accepting that I'm not all bad, and that I've fought to become a person who I'm proud of.. who does the working hard, has always stayed true to them-self. And maybe, just maybe, achieved the ultimate of making the lives of others and our game better because of my presence. 

But why now, why can I now think and feel this. 

I guess sometimes, it is by looking back, we see things differently. We see the steps taken, the moments which stand out from along the way. 

This is the start, the bottom of Lincoln Hill, which starts to the journey to Rotunda View. The power station in the background, sun filled. Creating a shadow of where I've been. 

I've got a lot of questions. For myself. This time, I don't think they need answering. I don't need to question feeling good, examining myself for where such positivity came in. I feel 15 again, knowing this is it.. that what I do now defines what happens next. The tests will come in varying shapes and sizes, but at the end, I can either look back with 'what ifs' or 'hell yeahs'. 

I don't want any 'what if I'd just have...' or 'what if we'd have...' 

I want my roller-coaster cart to be whizzing and whirling til the brakes are slammed on, and at the end I look myself in the mirror and say, 'hell yeah, Sarah Nick, you did good.'

Shatterproof.

Mountains, the peaks and the pits. Pits which can either be sunk into, or filled to provide platforms of opportunity. Peaks, which feel good for a moment, but real pride is always found within the journey. The steps in-between.

I guess we always see the extremes, the start and perceived end. The tip of the iceberg, the podium finish. Not the glorious amounts of effort, time, setbacks, tripwires, mistakes.. and everything else which doesn't feel like steps on the way to success, but most definitely progress. 

These mistakes, and things, might seem like a pit. But with the mindset of 'not yet', or 'what can be learnt' they become opportunities for growth. Not failure at all. First attempt in learning, which becomes a Second Attempt In Learning.. that opportunity to 'sail'  as I have recently been told.

Through the help of some incredible people, this past season, we have had many first, second, third, fourth attempts in learning. Attempts which could easily have resulted in a frustrated, demoralised and discontent reaction... but I've learnt that doesn't help anyone, least of all myself. I was caught using the term, persistent in the pursuit of progress earlier this week, and I think that is the best way to describe it all. But lets's not get caught out here, just because this persona may look indestructible, doesn't mean it is.

In the same way the persistence of water breaks the rock, over force. That happens to us as well. In the relentless desire to bounce back, to learn, and understand have I damaged myself? Has the persistent challenge pushed me to breaking point? Have I gone against all of my own advice, and stayed in the water flow for too long without a break? The same water which boils the egg, softens the potato, right? So the same challenge which provides the opportunity to develop resilience could also lesson it. 

It's an interesting thought, that in trying to develop something we could end up further away. 

But, how do we know? How do we measure that progress? Until we hit breaking point. The moment we didn't think would come. When we actually have to stop because there is no other option.

An Air of Confidence.

A term I usually avoid. The line is slim, between doubt and arrogance. Like a tightrope walker, weight too much one way causes a problem. A wavering set of arms, knees weak show for something beyond the visible. A trait we can't pen, but feel in ourselves which is ultimately recognisable by all. The C word. 

Fake it til you make it. Or. Fake it til you believe it. 

One option holds more prosper than the other, choose wisely. 

I think there's a level of not allowing yourself to believe. Being ok with the wavering peaks and troughs which hassle opportunities. Training yourself to create stories and reasoning for life's moments which mean the comfort zone of self-doubt is a regular stopping point. Having a high, being and living who we are, for a moment, not a lifetime. Reverting, when the moment felt so good. 

I think this, because it's exactly what I do. Or have done, maybe the tide is turning. 

There's only so long a front can be upheld, so long emotions can be pushed down before we end up presenting something and someone who isn't us at all. A half version. It all takes time, to become comfortable with who we are and what we do. To be comfortable believing that we're exactly where we're supposed to be for all the right reasons. 

A point where presenting our best self is a habit, not a one off. A fine wine saved for a special occasion, I think not. The maturing process still vital, there's a balance though, right? 

Why would all of this be relevant now? Why should I be saying all of this, surely it's not new news? Maybe not, maybe it's common sense, if you have it in abundance. 

It's relevant, because I believe it. Faking it until you make it doesn't work. The motive is wrong. 

Acceptance, owning your space, trust. 

For those of us, who don't believe it, this is tough. It takes an onerous amount of time, of energy and resource to have moments never mind make it a 24/7 thing. 

In this journey, which has led me to right now, travelling to Italy on behalf of The FA, I've had moments which have built a jigsaw showcasing capabilities which once weren't even a dream. This journey which has enabled me to continually grow, to where I see the C word as a friend not a foe. 

It's in realising my own doubts are a self absorbed energy drain, detracting from our bigger picture of developing others and the community. It's enjoying those moments, and craving more.. but then not feeling deserving. A horrible mental battle which doesn't make sense, but in reality, nothing ever does. 

It's during these times of reflection which I can gain a greater perspective. Can feel the improvement. Noticeably less stress and worry behind things, more time within the process and delivery. Energy in the here and now, present. 

Through help of my many friends and colleagues, I've been able to develop mechanisms and models to support my everyday life. To alleviate the struggle of holding everything in, and put time into the right areas at the right times. Managing time which allows for opportunities to be enjoyed not endured. 

This 'Air of confidence' which seems to be following me around, has replaced the constant cloud which I allowed to hover. An Air which I want to be and breath in, it's amazing how different life feels and is. These waves don't create themselves (as I have been reliably informed 😀), and equally they don't last forever. 

What is it then, that has enabled this to happen? This change. Growth. Strides. Most likely a culmination of factors, of opportunities created and taken.. not just taken but fulfilled to the highest possible point.. becoming moments to look back on with fondness not regret. Making high quality delivery a habit, not a one off. Moulding into roles and feeling at ease, to be my true self, not an expectation. Defying the odds and moving beyond that self-limiting belief of not being good enough. 

Enough for who? 

This Air of confidence needs to become my oxygen, a necessity to help navigate through this journey. As I fly over the alps, a reminder that all that matters is the next step and trusting them all one at a time. 

 Yet sometimes we face a different kind of blindness. We don't see what we're capable of because we don't see our own possibilities. 

Milestones.

Nothing is ever straight forward, as a Wolves fan that lesson is learnt very early on. Why would that truth of life ever stay between the white lines of a football pitch? It wouldn't, shouldn't and definitely doesn't. 

There is a beauty in challenge, in failure, in setbacks. Grappling with what once seemed unimaginable, and falling short, reducing the margins time after time. It's not the occurrence, but the ability to manage the struggle. To feel so many emotions so deeply. Research might call it grit, courage, emotional agility. The heart to go again. Maybe it's just having hope.

Trying to piece together reality, the jigsaw of which we aren't give all of the pieces at once but rather over a period of time to reveal who we are and the picture we are painting for ourselves. Milestones come and go, often seen as end points or in number form, also met with a new obstacle to overcome. There aren't really endpoints, just a next step which we don't always see until we're about to take it. 

If we work backwards, to understand and appreciate the journey so far, map out achievements, notable moments and life events it is obscene to think we have been the ones to evolve and create them for ourselves. A path unfolding which we are strong enough to walk because of what lies behind us. The challenges ahead, those both self-created and reality, have been earned. As we have with the past, marveled at their size and our perceived inability, we will find a way to manage and get past them to move beyond to a higher self ,taking people with us and moving the world into a different state of being. 

When squaring up to our next Goliath, it is poignant to remember how many battles have been won before. And also to consider, how Goliath is stood facing us in the mirror as I know personally, the biggest blockers are in our own minds which we do so well to create for ourselves. The many triumphs, irrelevant of size, serve as kind reminders that we are capable and blinded only by the view we have of  and create ourselves. 

An interesting paradox, and potential oxymoron, that we play both David & Goliath. Having control of them both, and our response every step of the way. 

These thoughts I've been pondering, only possible because the progress made, and want to be and do better. We too often discuss milestones as the big moments and things, forgetting all of the small seemingly innocuous parts which allow the crescendos to have the force in which they do. 

Let me put it this way, a sandy beach offers a smoother walk compared to the pebbly ones. But often we have to navigate them both to find the sea.