A term I usually avoid. The line is slim, between doubt and arrogance. Like a tightrope walker, weight too much one way causes a problem. A wavering set of arms, knees weak show for something beyond the visible. A trait we can't pen, but feel in ourselves which is ultimately recognisable by all. The C word.
Fake it til you make it. Or. Fake it til you believe it.
One option holds more prosper than the other, choose wisely.
I think there's a level of not allowing yourself to believe. Being ok with the wavering peaks and troughs which hassle opportunities. Training yourself to create stories and reasoning for life's moments which mean the comfort zone of self-doubt is a regular stopping point. Having a high, being and living who we are, for a moment, not a lifetime. Reverting, when the moment felt so good.
I think this, because it's exactly what I do. Or have done, maybe the tide is turning.
There's only so long a front can be upheld, so long emotions can be pushed down before we end up presenting something and someone who isn't us at all. A half version. It all takes time, to become comfortable with who we are and what we do. To be comfortable believing that we're exactly where we're supposed to be for all the right reasons.
A point where presenting our best self is a habit, not a one off. A fine wine saved for a special occasion, I think not. The maturing process still vital, there's a balance though, right?
Why would all of this be relevant now? Why should I be saying all of this, surely it's not new news? Maybe not, maybe it's common sense, if you have it in abundance.
It's relevant, because I believe it. Faking it until you make it doesn't work. The motive is wrong.
Acceptance, owning your space, trust.
For those of us, who don't believe it, this is tough. It takes an onerous amount of time, of energy and resource to have moments never mind make it a 24/7 thing.
In this journey, which has led me to right now, travelling to Italy on behalf of The FA, I've had moments which have built a jigsaw showcasing capabilities which once weren't even a dream. This journey which has enabled me to continually grow, to where I see the C word as a friend not a foe.
It's in realising my own doubts are a self absorbed energy drain, detracting from our bigger picture of developing others and the community. It's enjoying those moments, and craving more.. but then not feeling deserving. A horrible mental battle which doesn't make sense, but in reality, nothing ever does.
It's during these times of reflection which I can gain a greater perspective. Can feel the improvement. Noticeably less stress and worry behind things, more time within the process and delivery. Energy in the here and now, present.
Through help of my many friends and colleagues, I've been able to develop mechanisms and models to support my everyday life. To alleviate the struggle of holding everything in, and put time into the right areas at the right times. Managing time which allows for opportunities to be enjoyed not endured.
This 'Air of confidence' which seems to be following me around, has replaced the constant cloud which I allowed to hover. An Air which I want to be and breath in, it's amazing how different life feels and is. These waves don't create themselves (as I have been reliably informed 😀), and equally they don't last forever.
What is it then, that has enabled this to happen? This change. Growth. Strides. Most likely a culmination of factors, of opportunities created and taken.. not just taken but fulfilled to the highest possible point.. becoming moments to look back on with fondness not regret. Making high quality delivery a habit, not a one off. Moulding into roles and feeling at ease, to be my true self, not an expectation. Defying the odds and moving beyond that self-limiting belief of not being good enough.
Enough for who?
This Air of confidence needs to become my oxygen, a necessity to help navigate through this journey. As I fly over the alps, a reminder that all that matters is the next step and trusting them all one at a time.
Yet sometimes we face a different kind of blindness. We don't see what we're capable of because we don't see our own possibilities.
