Over the past few days, I've taken myself to one of my favourite spots to sit with nature, and my own thoughts. To slow down the clock and think through some of the last few years and what is in front of me and the next 11 months.
Sat on this verge of dirt, in between trees leaning over a considerable drop. Trusting the world to keep me safe, and that no passers by would nudge or scare me to a fall. [Thanks to all for leaving me be]
A verge with a view, this a better example of what the distance holds... The Ironbridge, first one in the world that, a world away whilst I was sat way up high. Listening to the buzz of the road and spill of the River Severn down below. Knowing it was there, but being far enough away to be all alone.
I was thinking about my feelings, what is going through my body, my veins right now. Bewildered by how things have panned out, and led me to where I am. I feel ready, excited, and to quote Kid President ready to 'Seize the Carpe'. It's strange. I wanted to allow myself the space to feel empty and worried. But it's not there. Not yet anyway.
There simply aren't any regrets, I believe everything has happened at the right moments, and I have grown when the space allowed me to. Progressed, learnt and pushed myself to continually support our team and work as best as I can. There's a nice thought around a real leader is worried about the goal not the role. I've been so lost on this journey that I haven't stopped to admire this amazing view.
But with that thought, also comes one which troubles me.
These are some of the steps which lead to the view at the top, there are quite a few, and it's a pretty steep climb. Sometimes I enjoy the ponder meandering up them, some days, I just want to march until I can breathe at the top. Other days, usually when I'm with my Dad, we don't take this route - that's wisdom for us.
I guess, at different points, I have been able to glimpse at the fruits which lay at the top. I wonder about what is waiting, but keep going, step by step. One foot in front of the other. Having faith, and trusting it will be worth it. Maybe naive of me. I don't know what I've been creating, just working day after day in the right direction.
Troubling for me, is the thought of making this year count. Enjoying it. A thought, that almost says I haven't enjoyed the journey so far. How ridiculous. But what if it's true. What if, I've been so focused on the next step that I haven't enjoyed it. And it has taken a real end point to make me slow down, to breathe in the final steps. It's like walking out of the gangway at a ground with your eyes closed, until you reach the last step then soaking it all in like - walking out of a plane for the heat to hit you.
Reaching the final couple of steps leading to the Rotunda View to enjoy the view. When the beauty has been at every point along the way.
I don't understand.
I haven't ever taken anything for granted. Nothing lasts forever. I've squeezed everything out of my time with the Youth Council [so far], and made sure I haven't been leaving anything behind. What has happened for me to now 'enjoy' this part. To now feel excited about what happens now. To be relaxed, content. Comfortable even.
Maybe, through all the trials, efforts, energy expended, peaks and pits.. I'm becoming accepting of it all. That this picture I paint in my head of 'what's next' isn't always the right one. Maybe, I'm accepting that I'm not all bad, and that I've fought to become a person who I'm proud of.. who does the working hard, has always stayed true to them-self. And maybe, just maybe, achieved the ultimate of making the lives of others and our game better because of my presence.
But why now, why can I now think and feel this.
I guess sometimes, it is by looking back, we see things differently. We see the steps taken, the moments which stand out from along the way.
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| This is the start, the bottom of Lincoln Hill, which starts to the journey to Rotunda View. The power station in the background, sun filled. Creating a shadow of where I've been. |
I've got a lot of questions. For myself. This time, I don't think they need answering. I don't need to question feeling good, examining myself for where such positivity came in. I feel 15 again, knowing this is it.. that what I do now defines what happens next. The tests will come in varying shapes and sizes, but at the end, I can either look back with 'what ifs' or 'hell yeahs'.
I don't want any 'what if I'd just have...' or 'what if we'd have...'
I want my roller-coaster cart to be whizzing and whirling til the brakes are slammed on, and at the end I look myself in the mirror and say, 'hell yeah, Sarah Nick, you did good.'
