I'm always writing letters, for the future self. For different moments, when I need a pep talk, when I need a reminder of moments, roots and dreams. Although I might reflect on events, opportunities and lessons I probably owe myself a little something more. This one is a bit more personal, but a welcome reminder of what warriors are built from...
A letter to my 8 year old self...
Dear Sah,
I'm proud of you, for knowing life isn't all we want it to be... but you're willing to take on the challenge. You'll never be the popular fashionista, lets get that out the way early doors.. it just isn't for you - and you will grow to learn that 'being real' is about who you are, for you. Not for the attention of anyone else.
There will be times, testing times, which will hurt and never be forgotten. A night in May 2003, when you'll miss that parents evening, ask your parents if they are splitting up and get the reply of 'yes'. That will be awful. Just remember though, Mom and Dad might not love each other, but they certainly love you. Even among the heartache, you'll have that memory, of sitting on their bed looking through all the photos and moments shared.. there will be many more.
You'll play in your first football match, be the attack, midfield and defence - at the same time! Captain your school team and quite possibly fall in love with a game which will change your life. That welcome distraction to real life is worth every second of ecstasy across the white line, enjoy it though Sah, your body might not hold out for too long [Spoiler: it wont].
You won't appreciate it at the time, but Mom and Dad will give up a lot for you to play football, take care of your fan club. You'll become 'the football girl' at school. End up in the wrong friendship group, be present to be people breaking the law in front of you eyes and choose not to be involved. A leader at 12/13 you just don't know it. Once again, football will be your release. A route away from the bullies, the daily struggle. Dad will keep telling you, keep your chin up.
The trophies will mount, and so will the memories. Good ones. League titles, cup winners, a day out in Birmingham. The memories will stand out because of the culture you will help create, The Panthers Way. A shirt holding so much pride. You wont realise it, but that team will teach you a lot. How to win graciously. How to lose. To make mistakes and own them. To show emotions you didn't think could come out over some game. You'll cry on that pitch, because you care.
Despite growing to a grand total of 6 foot 1, you will only score 1 header, when a 'keeper drops a ball on your face. Embrace it. Your only other 'header' will be an own goal in a cup final winning you concussion, nothing more. Crossbar rebounds are not ideal.
School won't be easy. Don't be fooled with that 'gifted and talented list', your aptitude for languages won't make it to GCSE, quit whilst you're ahead. This is where you will learn life's biggest lessons. No, they won't be those subjects. But how important people and relationships are. How to make them, and how to break them. Your PE teachers won't back you, but you need to back yourself. Go get that A grade, prove them wrong. You will probably doubt your place in Set One English, but your teacher won't. Trust them. Please learn that people care about you. As a person, not a student. You won't see the challenges you're creating, but teachers are protecting you from others. You will get moved classes, you will have a full online log, you will become someone who realises their limit. That's ok.
2010 will be a tough one. Holland tour, followed by your GCSEs, losing Nan and then going your own way with college choices. October will see your last opportunity to enjoy playing football. It is what it is, Sah. One door and all that. College will be worse than school. Full of people you wont like, but they will teach you traits to avoid and give you some focus to move into a crowd where you belong... stick with it kid. The knees wont hold up, you'll get frustrated. No escape, no go to release, no outlet. But this will change the direction of everything.
Everything you've learnt about the game will be important now. About how you pass it on, and let others enjoy the game you love so much. You might be naive to think you will be out playing again, don't hold your breathe. But trust you ability to allow others to.
Someone will see something in you. Something you wont see in yourself [spoiler: this will be a life trend].
The FA will enter your life, more prominently than you ever imagined. You'll be off to events around the country. Deliver a speech to launch a programme. Most importantly, in this time, you will meet people who will become friends you'll climb mountains with. Those people, will make you happy and push you to be your best self. They will celebrate your successes as much as you will celebrate theirs. You'll leave college and not look back, marching towards university and a promised land. With a spring in your step, because you belong now. In your own crowd, of people who care about the people. They get it.
Look Sah, the good runs with the bad. Moving to Uni will be crap. It will hurt. You wont want to. But you'll grow a resilience and get used to moving away, travelling and getting back in the race [not literally, you still wont be able to run]. I know you'll think uni is different, that everyone is there to learn. You need to know that's not a reality. Unfortunate, but true. That's ok though, don't need anyone else to do your degree for you.
Didn't see a published paper coming? How about 3 of them? Didn't think you liked reading? Cant wait for you to fall in love with books and crave learning. You will undoubtedly touch and influence so many lives positively, in the same way others did for you. Spend your student loan travelling to coach every night, to go to events and keep being involved with those FA programmes. It will serve you better than following the crowd, but you'll never do that anyway.
Heck Sah, you'll have applications turned down for those opportunities you want. They will hurt. You will feel like you're not good enough. Those friends you were making, they will become so important - please look after them, as they will look after you. Have patience, trust those setbacks are for the best. That there is something to learn. No, you won't represent The FA Youth Council at first attempt, nor be a part of the BUCS SMG either.. not yet anyway. But your time will come, have hope. You might feel the world is against you, things will happen that you didn't see coming. I'm sorry. So is everyone, they will keep saying it.
Grandad might not see what is to follow in person, but he's watching.
There will be so many 'proud parent' moments. You and Mom will have so many car journeys. That 'Take That' CD will be played over and over again. Enjoy these. Never Forget will become an anthem, just you wait.
Look Sah, life will become a blur from 2014 onwards. FA Youth Council will become a reality, it will consume your life, be ready. Scared of flying? 2 trip to Africa are coming in the same year. Ever doubted yourself? This year will give you every reason to believe, don't worry, I know this will still be a problem for you.
First Class Degree? Completed it mate. You'll get it. The real world awaits.
I know you're a home bird. But the dream is now an option. It won't be for long you might think. Moving away again. Ben won't like it. [Didn't I mention? you'll get a new best friend. That's a half brother by the way.] You'll make friends, with the M5.
The Youth Council dream stays alive. I know it wasn't ever in the plan, but you'll Chair it one day. You'll go for a promotion at work and get a knock back. You'll get frustrated and miss home, a lot. But you'll also meet and make some more incredible friends. Real ones.
You'll phone Mom to say you've made it, and she'll tell her friends 'cause she's so proud. You'll take Dad to Wembley, and Becky to watch England. You'll visit more countries and continue to struggle with the food.
Most importantly, you will stay true to your values and the person you are. Become the youngest FA Council member, and continue the work of so many others who are believing in the potential of young people.
You'll continue to astonish yourself. Make decisions for you which will come off, others wont.
I'm glad a younger you cant actually see any of this coming. I'm glad you're going to be living a life you're proud of, full of amazing people who will make you happy. You're making Mom & Dad proud everyday, don't you worry about that.
You're gonna change the world, keep being kind and take people with you.
Always remember, Sah, the person on top of the mountain didn't fall there. Miley will tell you to keep climbing, listen to her and you'll find that summit one day.
Strive Sarah Nickless, strive and stride.
