The Real World..

It's occurred to me that I haven't blogged so much recently, which isn't because I've stopped trying to tell the world about my life, but because I've actually been getting on with my life, if you catch my drift?! I'm less than a month away from finishing my degree, less than a month away from being free to do whatever I fancy... Let's not lie, it's an incredibly scary prospect, not knowing what is coming next. Despite the excitement of those around me, the next few weeks fill me with a lot of fear. 

After changing my views of my future numerous times since starting university, my mind seems to be contstantly worrying about the first step being in the wrong direction, and that I am almost playing it safe, rather than taking a risk into a completely different area of society. Although my thoughts have changed, I think the last few years have taught me that it might not be football which is where my passion lies, but just being in a position to help and work with young people. Football Futures has allowed me to use football to work with people and be able to support others, which has been and continues to be incredible. The programme, to me, is about developing people using sport.. Not so much the developing the future of the game as people like me will realise that football and sport is such an amazing vehicle, not such much a destination.

So, the last few weeks have been spent applying for jobs and thinking about what I want, and to be honest, I still don't know. Fortunately for me, the first job I've applied for resulted in an interview, which I am waiting for the result  I've thrown my name into the hat for a couple of others and the response as yet is unknown. For me, being offered an interview so early on holds a number of feelings, obviously excitement and contentment that my experience and applications are pitched at the right level, that on paper I'm close to what is wanted. But on the flip side, a little bit of unsurity, my friends weren't so fortunate and so I feel bad for finding what seems to be early success. 

What seems to be good, is that the things I've written about in this blog, experiences and skills gained through Football Futures have most definitely put me in the position I am. I back myself to put the right information on paper, however it's then being confident and competent face to face. One thing which the last few years haven't taught me, is how to be myself in interview situations. I know myself inside and out and that interviews are situations which don't come around very often, I take them seriously and struggle to be myself and get my personality in, that's kind of a nice bonus if things go well. 

Most people know me as a deep thinker and as a worryer, definitely not a warrior, and so the points on this blog will come as no real surprise. I think it would be unnatural to not be nervous at all with what the future holds, I could insert numerous quotes here of, 'the best way to predict the future is to create it' and 'if your dreams don't scare you they aren't big enough' but when you're unsure of what you want, it's pretty difficult to move in that direction. On a film I watched last night, there was a line of, 'figure out what it is you want, and work through any barriers which come in the way of getting there' it's quite difficult when you aren't sure of either. 

So, the real world awaits. One where I haven't got the soft cushion of education for boundaries to work along. Where responsibility will come in the bucket loads and hiding simply isn't an option. 

I've been thinking this for a while and it continues to perplex, I'll have to make the jump sooner or later.. 

BUCS SMG

Another opportunity to test my self and be better. Arriving down into London umbrella in hand might offer the idea of a pessimist. However, I'd like to go with the thought of a well planned person. Honestly, I had no idea what to expect. After being asked to think about not taking the position over Christmas, I was in a few minds as to whether I would be challenged, if it would be exactly like I've done before or something completely new.

I'm pleased that it was the latter. A completely different experience, a much smaller group with a certain direction to move in. Other than an opportunity to be better and support a national project, I wasn't too sure what I wanted/ want to get out of the experience. I guess, it's a chance to support others on a national programme, using my experience to support others though their first national event planning and delivery. 

Decided not to delete the above, written over a month ago following the first meeting with the BUCS Student Management Group, we have since met again at Wembley. Again with my umbrella in hand, wind whistling around the stadium permiter, the wind swept and interesting look seemed to go down a treat. 

We are now well on the way to creating our conference, workshops have been decided and tutors are starting to be confirmed. This new look at running events is proving exciting, an opportunity I'm very pleased to have taken. Along with piecing together the conference, on Tuesday we were treated to a look in on the BUCS potential strategy planning for the new season, what would we as students select as key priorities and why. Deep level thinking, creating rationales and really starting to understand the challenges with are faced within university football development. 

As things slowly start to fall into place, the excitement is starting to rise. Small tasks are being spread amongst the team and gaps are starting to be filled, the agenda is filling up and we are edging closer to to opening the application window, the nerves are starting to kick in. Nerves, as I've been told, show you care apparently. I'm hoping everything pulls together and we deliver a really worthwhile 2 day event, that people turn up and that the team are rewarded for the hardwork which has and will be put in.

At the top of the piece I wrote how I want to support others with their project planning. After Tuesday's meeting, I think I'm well on the way to doing that and I'm really enjoying seeing others develop throughout the process. The progress we've made as a team and individuals so far has been great, now the challenge is to see how far we can go! 

Onwards. 

thought of the day 'football is my vehicle' or 'football is ourvehicle?'

@AmbeRoseW: @sarahnickless thought of the day 'football is my vehicle' or 'football is our vehicle?'

 A question posed to me on social media this week, to make the connection, this is the title of my blog site. The thoughts coming for it I though were worth sharing. 

Good question this, I've taken some time to think about it.

 A few years ago I made a claim that, 'football isn't a vehicle, most people are already there, they just need help knowing which was to turn.' I don't think I could have been much further from the truth.

Throughout my reasoning for joining the game, 10 years this month since I started playing, it's always queued back to my parents splitting up, as Kieren Laverick tweeted earlier this week, it's a distraction to everyday struggles, which it was.. And still is. I guess that's why I'm so emotionally attached to the game, because of how it's helped, and continues to do so. But now I'm the one providing the distraction for kids who are going through similar stuff I went through.. now at the point where we've fallen in love with the game, or rather fallen in love with the many feelings, opportunities and benefits which comes with it.

I started my blog because i realised I was/ am on a journey, cliche, and a very special one - I know that much at least. I know that not everyone will get to do the things I've done, go to the events I've been to, meet the people I've met, seen things through my eyes.. the blog is a chance to portray my learning and kind of recycle it to support and help others. Yeah I hope it's a nice read, but the whole purpose is to support others, share my learning with others, I don't get the interaction with it which I'd maybe like, the like on Facebook, retweet on twitter publicity of readers yes, but there isn't a challenge to my thinking, someone offering another view. Which I guess would contradict the reason for it's existence.

The blog is a showcase of why football is my vehicle, even though it transports us all. For different reasons, needs, desires and wants. Yes it's our vehicle, at times maybe a video game, with different levels and characters, but that's another train of thought.

 For the purpose of the blog, football is our vehicle, but the content of the blog is mine.

 Even though it transports us all, and in the same direction, the similarities stop there. Speed, motion, method all vary which is the beauty of it.

Your vehicle is different to mine and my journey will be different to you too... along with the way I want to drive my vehicle, how fast I want to go, if I want to stop half way, if I want to stay at one pace or change speeds at different points in my journey. Everything is different, but at the end of it, its my decisions which 'drive' the vehicle and my choices as to which vehicle and journey I want to be on. Reply from Amber. 

To quote a favourite movie of mine [The Polar Express] 'That's the thing about trains, it doesn't matter where it's going. What matters is deciding to get on.' Might not always be on a train, might jump on a steam train, boat, car, tank.. your journey will have allowed to use them all at some point, now you'll know when to hop on a plane when on autopilot doing something you know well, when to be in a tank, either battering something or just moving a little slower.

As another quote I found last year says, and I need to remember, 'don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle.' In the same way, comparing why and how you do something compared to someone else. I've done this too often, and have been told off for it. 

The uniqueness of everyone's journey through the same 'vehicle' is something quite amazing.

Reaffirming Thoughts

This week has reaffirmed everything already thought to be right. Right in a sense of why I do what I do, gallivant across the country and spend time with lots of different people. It may not be a paid profession, but meeting and working with people has very quickly become a passion of mine, it just so happens that I get to do that through football. 

It's been a weird week, football has provided me with 2 compellingly opposite feelings, one of hate and frustration, the other of inspiration and drive. I guess that's the fun of the game, and the unpredictability of it on a pitch not just off it. Last week I made the decision to leaving my university activator role, quite simply because I wasn't enjoying it, being in a position under scrutiny and it genuinely felt horrendous being in the position I was. 

On the flip side, this week, visiting 2 County FA Football Futures Events, presenting our first Youth Onside Award, visiting a football club working wonders, email discussions, everything which I enjoy. I don't want to use this blog post to describe everything which happened at each place but rather the key points which as the title states, re-affirms everything which I know to be right.

West Riding on Wednesday, I thought the day would be a disaster after a rock hit and cracked my windscreen on the way across, but that wasn't to be. Meeting with old friends and watching a new generation of young leaders learning and leading. Fantastic to see how much people have developed since National Camp last year, so much so to drive forwards and lead on 3 Football Futures Camps of their own. And I guess, that's what it's all about, using football to develop people. For me, once we recognise this, the progress increases more so than the feeling of developing referees and coaches.. It's it so much more than that. 

I didn't go to West Riding to steal ideas, I wasn't banking on anything to take away, but what I did get was the day with friends I've made throughout the programme, the chance to see young leaders further down the line who are passionate about developing the next bunch of young leaders and doing just that. 

For me, Bobby Madley's session, built around refereeing encompasses everything about the programme, yes the young leaders had a go at refereeing, the aim wasn't to get them to sign up to go on the next referees course. It was to develop confidence in making decisions, to have a deeper understanding and potentially change in perceptions of referees. As he quoted from Henry Ford, 'Whether your think you can or you can't, you're right.' Have confidence in yourself and put yourself in the set mind that you can do what you want to do.

Manchester on Thursday, being asked to attend as the 'guest of honour.' What a privilege, I don't think I will ever live up to the title of guest of honour, but I tried. Again, it was a day with friends who I've met across my time on the Football Futures Programme, people who are influencing others and now making a difference in their counties. 45 young leaders turned up for the day despite the weather, all who are on the FF programme, places for National Camp and mentorships were put on offer at the start of the day. The importance of the event really shown as all members of Manchester CFA were introduced and played some part in the day. 

For me, I didn't really know what I was meant to be doing, I guess I find it difficult finding a role in an event which isn't mine. It was a pleasure to see the youth council take hold of the afternoon session and deliver, as it should be, young people influencing and empowering other young people. There was 1 moment which made my day though, and that's all it takes. One major thing Football Futures has taught me is how important it is just to listen to people and make them feel valued. I spent lunch talking  to a lad who at 15 is already very busy and looking ahead to his future, wanting to coach and work with people. Already regularly working with an FA Skills Coach, waiting for his 16th birthday to do his level 1, with ambitions then of rushing on doing his level 2 and youth module 1&2. I spent maybe 15 minutes speaking to him and didn't think an awful lot of it, just sharing my opinion of not rushing into loads of FA courses taking his time, using what is learnt and watching other coaches at the level he wants to get to. 

As I was leaving the CFA that afternoon, I stopped by, shook his hand and congratulated him for what he's done and effort on the day, his response was magical. A lit up face and more thank yous than Santa gets at Christmas. Thank you for inspiring, mentoring and helping him. All is did was show an interest, listen, offer advice and try to build a bit of a relationship. That's all it takes. If that's it, to keeping people going, influencing them and pushing them to keep on doing what they're doing, then we should all be looking to master our interpersonal skills to develop others. 

Friday back at Lancashire FA, presenting our first Youth Onside Award, the Youth Onside project was launched to influence clubs and leagues to realise it's young people who play the game and it's them who should have a say in how it is run. After 5-6 months of the programme running we have 11 clubs working towards Youth Onside status, and are close to getting our first league on board. 2 clubs have now been given the Youth Onside Award for their work to create Junior Committees, to not only create them but sustain and listen to them and put ideas into action. 

Yesterday I had the pleasure of presenting Layton Juniors FC the first award, it was great to meet the people behind the work and the young people who are making a difference. The work of the Lancashire FA Youth Council is starting to pay off, now we've got to keep the momentum going and influence a change in culture across grassroots football in Lancashire! 

Finally, my half term tour led me to Bolton to see AFC Masters in a action, a football club created not so long ago to allow players of all ages with disabilities an opportunity to play football. I had a fantastic morning watching the training sessions going ahead and joining in. Not only are the guys playing, but also have the chance to lead of parts of sessions and older players coach and support young age groups. A club really driving what we're aiming to achieve, driven by young people and their needs.

So, quite a week. I've had a lot of fun and taken great pleasure in seeing counties at work and seeing young people in action. I've not really done a lot, but really starting to take note of why it all started. Football is such a fantastic vehicle, and I think sometimes we forget to see it this way. I've seen personal development left, right and centre all through the week. I get the fortune of working and influencing people to have opportunities like I've had and I know there are so many other people doing the same. 

As Jack Whitlam said on Wednesday, 'The journey of 1,000 miles begins with 1 step, you don't want to run in the wrong direction though.' A very correct thought, which sums up everyone's journey. The most difficult thing is to begin, pass that hurdle and the journey can really start

In 3 years time..

After downloading the Timehop app I've had a lot of memories brought back to life which have really allowed me to evaluate where I've come from and where I'm going.

3 years ago today I had a double road trip, firstly to Owestry Orthopedic Hospital to see a specialit physio about my knee, then raced to Loughborough for my first ever coaching event, the Youth Sport Trust, National Young Coaches Academy. 3 days with 180 other young coaches who were just starting out on their journey. I was 1 of 20 coaches representing the FA. My first real event, I remember being scared and worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up, or would be starting way behind everyone else. That turned out not to be the case, managing to keep up, being a 'keeno' asking loads of questions and starting to realise how big of a job coaching is, the amount of skills it involved and develops and quite importantly, how many other people were getting the buzz from it also. I walked away from that event with an award, but the reward of just being there, meeting some incredible people and having the enthusiasm to learn and continue to do so meant a lot more!

2 years ago I was supporting 2 county FAs (Shropshire & Lancashire) with their Football Futures/ Young Leadership events. Going from a young leader attending the events to learn and develop, to now supporting them and delivering parts of workshops. Holding an ambassador role on the day, asking questions and trying to probe answers out of people, using my experience to develop and support others. 

This time last year I was on the other side of the world in Rwanda with The FA delivering the FA Changing Lives Leadership Award. Putting into practice my coaching skills to mentor and support peer leaders in another country. Really testing the key communication and problem solving skills. Being selected as 1 of 4 young leaders to go out and deliver an international programme, working closely with 4 peer leaders, delivering in school and universities in physics, environments like no other. I'm still learning from the experience looking back and thinking about things, what I could have done differently and just the incredible memories of having such an experience. 

This year, this week, I'm attending 2 County FA FF Camps, one being in Manchester where I have supported the working group creating the event, seeing it come to life from behind the scenes. On Friday we are presenting our first Youth Onside Award at Lancashire FA, recognising a club who have created a junior committee to allow young people at the club to be heard. Now I'm having a bigger hand in football development work. 

All the while I've been developing the skills learnt from the first NYCA camp, transferring them from place to place which has led me to where I am now, with the contacts and friends I have across the country. Goodness knows what will happen over the next 3 years, but I hope it's as exciting as the last 3 have been!

Fast out of the blocks

Now nearly a month into the new year, life is moving quickly as expected and the end of my degree is looming. Worries about job prospects are at large, the real world as it is more commonly known. However, on the flip side of paid reality lies the wonders of my volunteering journey.

I'm incredibly excited to be able to continue working as a Regional Officer in the North West, carrying on supporting the plans which were put into place prior to the Christmas break. Already, and only a month into the new year, things have moved on very quickly! It's fantastic to see the hardwork put in last year being rewarded.

Just a few days ago Cheshire FA launched their Youth Forum. Following a meeting I had with them in November it was incredibly pleasing to see plans put in place and then actioned within a short space of time. For that to happen it shows how I've been abe to influence others who have now recognised the importance of young people's voices within their game. Although it is becoming very cliche-y it's true, it is happening everywhere, those creating and modifying the game don't have to endure it. I'm hoping this is the start of a change in Cheshire... Things can only get better!

In Lancashire we have recognised the first 2 clubs with the Youth Onside Award, recognising the fantastic work the clubs do to allow young people to have a say in how their club it run. Both Shevington FC and Layton Juniors FC have created junior / youth committees who are actively being listened to. The feedback we've had is that the adults within the clubs are surprised and left open-mouthed during and after every meeting.. Really having their eyes opened to how young people see the game. 

The Lancashire FA Youth Council are now creating a Youth Development Day for all of the clubs who are working towards Youth Onside status. This is to reward and start to develop the young people on committees/ councils / projects and allow them the opportunity to progress further and put out new ideas to their clubs. It's important for us to develop those who have stood up and are actively making a change within their club.

Alongside this, the Youth Council are supporting the LFA Young Volunteers event in April and will be looking to build off the back of it. There are some fantastic and hardworking young volunteers in Lancashire, we're now looking to create a pathway for them. Instead of attending 1 event and then not seeing them for a year, we are creating Leadership and Coaching Groups which will aim to further develop the young people in the county.

It's all systems go, if we could do more I'm sure we would!

Earlier in January I was approached by Manchester FA and asked to be a part of their working group leading up to their Football Futures Camp which is coming up during February half term. A new experience for me, now not just supporting youth council developments, but actively supporting wider projects within a County FA. Incredible also that they came looking for me, I don't think words can explain the feeling of being wanted/ needed. I'm now challenged to think differently and strategically on way to prolong success and ensure the camp delivers to the needs and outcomes desired. Using the experience I have to support others. I'm now really looking forwards to attending the day and seeing the event pull together, and then of course what is built on the back of it to keep young leaders involved.

Nationally we've got the pilot of our Empowering Youth project, I'm incredibly proud that Lancashire have been selected to pilot the scheme to run alongside the Youth Onside project. Another challenge for our youth council and myself to deliver the workshop to club and league officials to try and influence them to go away and empower young people. Creating a chain reaction which will hopefully start a culture of change within the county.. we can hope!

Also looking ahead to National Camp, scary I know, how can we change it to ensure it is fresh and not just a carbon copy of the previous one. I'm looking forwards to working closely with Ads, our head of projects, on this one. Gaining a bit of a deeper insight into his role and what goes on, on the build up to camp. 

It's quite a weird feeling knowing that this term as a NGYC member is only 6 months long, it gives me the opportunity to really push on and continue to develop the North West, I can link into other roles and see how they work and be a part of any changes which come about with the new National Game Strategy. 

Thinking back to a year ago, walking into the first meeting not knowing what to expect, I can see a different/ change within myself and the way I think within meetings. It's quite a powerful image to see, not just the statically side of things, but the person who I've become through this whole experience. The people I've had the pleasure of meeting and working with, let's be honest, if it were possible, I'd love to do this kind of stuff every minute of everyday. Having any role in football is one to be cherished, and to be able to do what I do is on another planet. 

Uni is starting to get scary, getting marks back and seeing 5 deadline dates left until I leave. It's been pleasant to pick up 87% and 90% in a couple of assignments I've now got to the point of working out what I need to get the final grade I want! the 'J' word is being used more and more which is worrying because I'm still now sure what to do. Luckily I've got plenty of things to get on with in the meantime. 

Busy week coming up over half term attending different events, we'll be presenting the first Youth Onside award, continuing to build projects and I'll be as busy as ever trying to support and help where possible. 

Fast start to the year, now it's not about keeping up and doing everything at 100mph, but staying in the race.. Maybe running off the track and into another direction.. I don't know. Time will tell. 

What a year!

This is possibly the most difficult blog I've attempted to write, I started it nearly a week ago. Difficult because I don't know where to begin, how to word the year, feelings and the person who I have become - that's becoming a bit of a tag line.

We're nearing the end of 2014, I'm still left wondering where the time has gone. Feels like seconds ago since I was on my way to SGP for the first NGYC meeting of the year and left wondering how I'd deal with a trip to Africa. Just think, that has all already passed. Sitting here now, knowing that I've got 6 assignments before graduating form uni, it's not just this year which has flown by. 

Sometimes, it's not until you take a step back, that you can see the developments which have been made. And it's now being able to relax and have a few days of not rushing around that I can really reflect on the journey through 2014. 

A year where dreams have literally come true, however cheesy it sounds, I feel fortunate to have worked with so many people, made some incredible friends and done some unreal things. It's been a year of realisation, worry, elation, pride, excitement, and near enough every other feeling imaginable. Someone said to me in January, 'This is your year' I honestly didn't believe it would be. 

Arriving into January off the back of a difficult family event, it would be easy to to assume I'd start in the bad mood as I did last year, however the feelings were different. After having the best run up to Christmas, feelings of excitement and worry were the 2 prominent feelings. 

Although I'd been told not to, it was worry of being incompetent, that I wasn't good enough, I'd talked the talk but might not have been able to walk the walk. A serious position of unknown, not wanting to reveal feelings and worries in doubt of looking incapable and I guess weak. A completely different feeling of bitterness. This in the mix with excitement, knowing I would be about to embark on a terrific journey - along a path I've wanted to follow, but never knew how or what to expect. Knowing you want something, but not knowing how to make it happen or where the path would lead (hope that makes sense)! 
As I've written in many previous posts, being a part of The FA National Game Youth Council became a dream of mine after attending National Camp in 2012. I didn't know what it would entail, how I would ever fit in, what they even did to begin with.. But I knew, that's where I wanted to get to. 

To now have spent a year on the team, working my socks off to support the counties in the North West the best I can, working with and for the National Team, reaching our goal of youth council/ forum coverage in County FAs is an exceptional feeling. To know that my NGYC journey will last for at least another 6 months is extremely exciting. To get to support counties to the end of the season, see plans go through and be able to further build on what I've already done. That along with being able to support the delivery of National Camp again, it's literally what dreams are made of. 

Being honest, I was dubious at first, not fully knowing everyone on the team, but as the year has gone on, I wouldn't change anything or anyone. I've been able to work with such amazing people and really make a difference in football. 

There's no nice way to word it, nor will this come across right, but staying on for 6 months to me says, you've done it. Not you've made it, because nobody makes it's - there is always a way to be better - but I've hit the dream/goal. It's been everything I expected and more, I've revelled in meeting new people, taking on the challenge and proving to myself, more than others, that I'm good enough. It's helped me to direct my life into a possible career, it's allowed me to create and now develop new teams of people and influence my peers, young people across the country and the not so young people with young hearts. It's one thing to influence a young person at an event, it's another to influence adults and staff. 
From the Youth Council to Rwanda, being able to follow in the footsteps of Football Futures legends travelling across the world to use the game to develop others. I'm still learning from the experience, looking back thinking about the way I acted, events of the week and now wondering how they are getting on since we left. 

Just as university lecturers speak of the development and value of a degree far after graduating, I feel the same from my Changing Lives experience. It's learning to gain perspective, really understand the difference you've made in the life of another, no matter how small, which holds real value.

Although I don't believe in luck, Rwanda has made me believe in fate, just a little bit. Being ill on that final day was and is a blessing in disguise. Blinded by my own work and lack of belief, I hadn't seen the development of those around me. Being told of how my peers had got on, being able to compare the first day to the stories of the last. Seeing brief clips of videos encapsulating everything I had tried to teach them.. proving to me that development maybe small, but when you step back - the development is a lot bigger than you first thought. 

I've come home with a better perspective of the world and a greater understanding of the word development. It doesn't define getting from one stage to another, but the movement in-between. The work that goes into even just a small progression. It's not about arriving at 'B' but the pathway leading towards it.

I'm so incredibly grateful for being selected to go to Rwanda and will be forever grateful to have people believe in my abilities/ me as a person to make that decision. 

From Rwanda to Durham, attending their Football Futures Camp which lived up to and exceeded all of my expectations. Just seeing the incredible learning environment which had been created, the number of people who attended and how well run it was. By young leaders, for young leaders. Being able to share my journey at the end of the day was a pleasure. Literally another dream, I'm just Sarah from that little county of Shropshire, and I always will be. I don't see myself as anything else, just the football girl. It was incredibly humbling to be asked to speak, I've done some incredible things, but I don't think I'm an incredible person. I just work hard and enjoy what comes.

BUCS Football Futures Conference and the FA National Football Futures Camp, being able to support the running of both events. Enjoying working with young leaders and candidates whilst learning myself. And usually that's learning from my peers. Being able to influence, well try to, people in a similar way in which I had been when I attended Camp. Sitting on the other side of the event. I can remember literally buzzin' throughout the entire week, but also being able to remain calm and fulfil my role properly. Singing on the first night married with 1-1 conversations, a skill I saw in others when I attended Camp in 2012. This year I've come to recognise that working with people is what I enjoy most, maybe it's not so much the football bit at all, but the person bit. Working to support and develop another. The challenge is to now find a job which allows me to do just that. 

My last student summer was spent accomplishing a personal goal, in less than a month I learnt to drive, passed my test and bought a car. Something I set to hit at the start if the year, and it was a challenge itself to get through the frustrations and negative thoughts which each lesson brought with it. And I think I did alright, 3 minors later and I've a pink card with my name and mug shot on it.

Returning back to university to my final year. The one that counts apparently. It's not all fun and games, a struggle more like. Trying to balance other aspects if my life, find time to juggle and do my uni work. It turned to be a mental struggle, I don't want to be there. I want to be out in the world in a job which I look forwards to, being around people who actually might want to be there each day. A struggle influenced by external circumstances, decisions I has made which weren't paying off. But you can't learn from a mistake until it's made. I've hit my Christmas break, all assignments handed in on time and I don't think I've ever written this well. Might becoming a library resident, but I'm hoping it will pay off, hopefully.

Conscious of space, and your eyes as the reader. I'm going to try and wrap up this post. Try being the key word there. There is so much more that I could have written about here, and so much I've missed out, I know, I'm sorry. It's difficult, it's taken me ages to write this, now i don't want to stop. 

You can't move forwards until you decide to leave the space you're standing in, just as you can't learn from mistakes if you don't make them. I've made so many errors and mistakes this year, had so many moments where I've wondered what I'm doing and where I'm going. But it's felt really amazing to be lost in the right direction at times. As I said at the top, I've made some immense new friends who have helped me though a few challenges of recent. Met some incredible people who have inspired me and proved that I have a lot more to give. People who I've looked up to have now become close friends who have endured numerous deep conversations and millions of emails. And I've had the old guard who have propped me up when I was starting to falter. 

There have been odd moments which stand out the most, a brief conversation on the first evening at Camp, an email just before heading out to Rwanda, a phone call of youth council support and a gesture of approval to lead a group of young people. Yes, these are all small, but very significant gestures. Gestures which show the huge group of backing dancers I have supporting me through my life right now, backing dancers, featuring artists and a harmonic choir, who all help me feel and look a little bit better. So to the team of friends, family, mentors, peers, tutors and everyone else who has and continues to help me along my journey through life, a sincere THANK YOU! 

I know that there is struggle ahead, 4 months to complete my degree, decide which career path I wish to take and try and follow it. Decisions around volunteering opportunities, what do I and don't I accept. After a fantastic year, which has both rewarded and challenged me further, I've got to use all of the skills and qualities I've developed over the last few years to hit the finish line of one race before moving to the start line of another. Maybe it's not a new race, I might just be passing the baton on.

Thank you for reading this blog and keeping up with my journey though 2014, I hope you've been able to feel the elation and challenges. It's been a superb year, as I've said, I doubt next year will top it for experiences - but there will be numerous hurdles which will need me to use everything I've got and learnt to get over. 

Strange how Football Futures has prepared me for life using the power of football. 

'There are 2 types of people in life; those who want to be something and those who want to do something. '