One Last Time

It's an interesting time in the life of Sarah Nick. I've had the realisation that everything I do this season will be for the last time. That a chapter of my life is reaching an end point, and that's ok.

Over the past few days, I've taken myself to one of my favourite spots to sit with nature, and my own thoughts. To slow down the clock and think through some of the last few years and what is in front of me and the next 11 months.

Sat on this verge of dirt, in between trees leaning over a considerable drop. Trusting the world to keep me safe, and that no passers by would nudge or scare me to a fall. [Thanks to all for leaving me be]

A verge with a view, this a better example of what the distance holds... The Ironbridge, first one in the world that, a world away whilst I was sat way up high. Listening to the buzz of the road and spill of the River Severn down below. Knowing it was there, but being far enough away to be all alone.

I was thinking about my feelings, what is going through my body, my veins right now. Bewildered by how things have panned out, and led me to where I am. I feel ready, excited, and to quote Kid President ready to 'Seize the Carpe'. It's strange. I wanted to allow myself the space to feel empty and worried. But it's not there. Not yet anyway. 

There simply aren't any regrets, I believe everything has happened at the right moments, and I have grown when the space allowed me to. Progressed, learnt and pushed myself to continually support our team and work as best as I can. There's a nice thought around a real leader is worried about the goal not the role. I've been so lost on this journey that I haven't stopped to admire this amazing view.

But with that thought, also comes one which troubles me.

 These are some of the steps which lead to the view at the top, there are quite a few, and it's a pretty steep climb. Sometimes I enjoy the ponder meandering up them, some days, I just want to march until I can breathe at the top. Other days, usually when I'm with my Dad, we don't take this route - that's wisdom for us.

I guess, at different points, I have been able to glimpse at the fruits which lay at the top. I wonder about what is waiting, but keep going, step by step. One foot in front of the other. Having faith, and trusting it will be worth it. Maybe naive of me. I don't know what I've been creating, just working day after day in the right direction. 

Troubling for me, is the thought of making this year count. Enjoying it. A thought, that almost says I haven't enjoyed the journey so far. How ridiculous. But what if it's true. What if, I've been so focused on the next step that I haven't enjoyed it. And it has taken a real end point to make me slow down, to breathe in the final steps. It's like walking out of the gangway at a ground with your eyes closed, until you reach the last step then soaking it all in like - walking out of a plane for the heat to hit you. 

Reaching the final couple of steps leading to the Rotunda View to enjoy the view. When the beauty has been at every point along the way. 

I don't understand. 

I haven't ever taken anything for granted. Nothing lasts forever. I've squeezed everything out of my time with the Youth Council [so far], and made sure I haven't been leaving anything behind. What has happened for me to now 'enjoy' this part. To now feel excited about what happens now. To be relaxed, content. Comfortable even. 

Maybe, through all the trials, efforts, energy expended, peaks and pits.. I'm becoming accepting of it all. That this picture I paint in my head of 'what's next' isn't always the right one. Maybe, I'm accepting that I'm not all bad, and that I've fought to become a person who I'm proud of.. who does the working hard, has always stayed true to them-self. And maybe, just maybe, achieved the ultimate of making the lives of others and our game better because of my presence. 

But why now, why can I now think and feel this. 

I guess sometimes, it is by looking back, we see things differently. We see the steps taken, the moments which stand out from along the way. 

This is the start, the bottom of Lincoln Hill, which starts to the journey to Rotunda View. The power station in the background, sun filled. Creating a shadow of where I've been. 

I've got a lot of questions. For myself. This time, I don't think they need answering. I don't need to question feeling good, examining myself for where such positivity came in. I feel 15 again, knowing this is it.. that what I do now defines what happens next. The tests will come in varying shapes and sizes, but at the end, I can either look back with 'what ifs' or 'hell yeahs'. 

I don't want any 'what if I'd just have...' or 'what if we'd have...' 

I want my roller-coaster cart to be whizzing and whirling til the brakes are slammed on, and at the end I look myself in the mirror and say, 'hell yeah, Sarah Nick, you did good.'

Shatterproof.

Mountains, the peaks and the pits. Pits which can either be sunk into, or filled to provide platforms of opportunity. Peaks, which feel good for a moment, but real pride is always found within the journey. The steps in-between.

I guess we always see the extremes, the start and perceived end. The tip of the iceberg, the podium finish. Not the glorious amounts of effort, time, setbacks, tripwires, mistakes.. and everything else which doesn't feel like steps on the way to success, but most definitely progress. 

These mistakes, and things, might seem like a pit. But with the mindset of 'not yet', or 'what can be learnt' they become opportunities for growth. Not failure at all. First attempt in learning, which becomes a Second Attempt In Learning.. that opportunity to 'sail'  as I have recently been told.

Through the help of some incredible people, this past season, we have had many first, second, third, fourth attempts in learning. Attempts which could easily have resulted in a frustrated, demoralised and discontent reaction... but I've learnt that doesn't help anyone, least of all myself. I was caught using the term, persistent in the pursuit of progress earlier this week, and I think that is the best way to describe it all. But lets's not get caught out here, just because this persona may look indestructible, doesn't mean it is.

In the same way the persistence of water breaks the rock, over force. That happens to us as well. In the relentless desire to bounce back, to learn, and understand have I damaged myself? Has the persistent challenge pushed me to breaking point? Have I gone against all of my own advice, and stayed in the water flow for too long without a break? The same water which boils the egg, softens the potato, right? So the same challenge which provides the opportunity to develop resilience could also lesson it. 

It's an interesting thought, that in trying to develop something we could end up further away. 

But, how do we know? How do we measure that progress? Until we hit breaking point. The moment we didn't think would come. When we actually have to stop because there is no other option.

An Air of Confidence.

A term I usually avoid. The line is slim, between doubt and arrogance. Like a tightrope walker, weight too much one way causes a problem. A wavering set of arms, knees weak show for something beyond the visible. A trait we can't pen, but feel in ourselves which is ultimately recognisable by all. The C word. 

Fake it til you make it. Or. Fake it til you believe it. 

One option holds more prosper than the other, choose wisely. 

I think there's a level of not allowing yourself to believe. Being ok with the wavering peaks and troughs which hassle opportunities. Training yourself to create stories and reasoning for life's moments which mean the comfort zone of self-doubt is a regular stopping point. Having a high, being and living who we are, for a moment, not a lifetime. Reverting, when the moment felt so good. 

I think this, because it's exactly what I do. Or have done, maybe the tide is turning. 

There's only so long a front can be upheld, so long emotions can be pushed down before we end up presenting something and someone who isn't us at all. A half version. It all takes time, to become comfortable with who we are and what we do. To be comfortable believing that we're exactly where we're supposed to be for all the right reasons. 

A point where presenting our best self is a habit, not a one off. A fine wine saved for a special occasion, I think not. The maturing process still vital, there's a balance though, right? 

Why would all of this be relevant now? Why should I be saying all of this, surely it's not new news? Maybe not, maybe it's common sense, if you have it in abundance. 

It's relevant, because I believe it. Faking it until you make it doesn't work. The motive is wrong. 

Acceptance, owning your space, trust. 

For those of us, who don't believe it, this is tough. It takes an onerous amount of time, of energy and resource to have moments never mind make it a 24/7 thing. 

In this journey, which has led me to right now, travelling to Italy on behalf of The FA, I've had moments which have built a jigsaw showcasing capabilities which once weren't even a dream. This journey which has enabled me to continually grow, to where I see the C word as a friend not a foe. 

It's in realising my own doubts are a self absorbed energy drain, detracting from our bigger picture of developing others and the community. It's enjoying those moments, and craving more.. but then not feeling deserving. A horrible mental battle which doesn't make sense, but in reality, nothing ever does. 

It's during these times of reflection which I can gain a greater perspective. Can feel the improvement. Noticeably less stress and worry behind things, more time within the process and delivery. Energy in the here and now, present. 

Through help of my many friends and colleagues, I've been able to develop mechanisms and models to support my everyday life. To alleviate the struggle of holding everything in, and put time into the right areas at the right times. Managing time which allows for opportunities to be enjoyed not endured. 

This 'Air of confidence' which seems to be following me around, has replaced the constant cloud which I allowed to hover. An Air which I want to be and breath in, it's amazing how different life feels and is. These waves don't create themselves (as I have been reliably informed 😀), and equally they don't last forever. 

What is it then, that has enabled this to happen? This change. Growth. Strides. Most likely a culmination of factors, of opportunities created and taken.. not just taken but fulfilled to the highest possible point.. becoming moments to look back on with fondness not regret. Making high quality delivery a habit, not a one off. Moulding into roles and feeling at ease, to be my true self, not an expectation. Defying the odds and moving beyond that self-limiting belief of not being good enough. 

Enough for who? 

This Air of confidence needs to become my oxygen, a necessity to help navigate through this journey. As I fly over the alps, a reminder that all that matters is the next step and trusting them all one at a time. 

 Yet sometimes we face a different kind of blindness. We don't see what we're capable of because we don't see our own possibilities. 

Milestones.

Nothing is ever straight forward, as a Wolves fan that lesson is learnt very early on. Why would that truth of life ever stay between the white lines of a football pitch? It wouldn't, shouldn't and definitely doesn't. 

There is a beauty in challenge, in failure, in setbacks. Grappling with what once seemed unimaginable, and falling short, reducing the margins time after time. It's not the occurrence, but the ability to manage the struggle. To feel so many emotions so deeply. Research might call it grit, courage, emotional agility. The heart to go again. Maybe it's just having hope.

Trying to piece together reality, the jigsaw of which we aren't give all of the pieces at once but rather over a period of time to reveal who we are and the picture we are painting for ourselves. Milestones come and go, often seen as end points or in number form, also met with a new obstacle to overcome. There aren't really endpoints, just a next step which we don't always see until we're about to take it. 

If we work backwards, to understand and appreciate the journey so far, map out achievements, notable moments and life events it is obscene to think we have been the ones to evolve and create them for ourselves. A path unfolding which we are strong enough to walk because of what lies behind us. The challenges ahead, those both self-created and reality, have been earned. As we have with the past, marveled at their size and our perceived inability, we will find a way to manage and get past them to move beyond to a higher self ,taking people with us and moving the world into a different state of being. 

When squaring up to our next Goliath, it is poignant to remember how many battles have been won before. And also to consider, how Goliath is stood facing us in the mirror as I know personally, the biggest blockers are in our own minds which we do so well to create for ourselves. The many triumphs, irrelevant of size, serve as kind reminders that we are capable and blinded only by the view we have of  and create ourselves. 

An interesting paradox, and potential oxymoron, that we play both David & Goliath. Having control of them both, and our response every step of the way. 

These thoughts I've been pondering, only possible because the progress made, and want to be and do better. We too often discuss milestones as the big moments and things, forgetting all of the small seemingly innocuous parts which allow the crescendos to have the force in which they do. 

Let me put it this way, a sandy beach offers a smoother walk compared to the pebbly ones. But often we have to navigate them both to find the sea. 

You can do anything, but not everything.

To quote Britney, ‘I did it again.’ Waited until the end of the year to slow down to a stop, and take stock of everything going on around me.

I seem to get to the end, and have similar thoughts to the last year. Similar in the steps taken, the developments, the progress which continue up this steady incline. But once again, it is appropriate to try and release the thoughts and feelings which 2017 have led me to.

It’s been momentous, the strides taken this year, collectively and individually on this pursuit of re-defining leadership and being a better person. Expanding and stretching perceived limitations of self, others and community. Our community. Which is developing, evolving and increasing in size in directions which I didn’t see coming. Influencing others to really listen, and lean in. The world is changing, our game is changing; we must adapt to meet the diverse conditions or risk being left behind.

The FA Youth Council is progressing, this season could be our moment. My Dad once told me, ‘what you do in the dark will always come into the light,’ we’re ready for the light to shine... and take centre stage when required.

But it’s not just about us here and now, it’s about the 12 years of effort and work which has been put in to get us to this point. Those who have worn the shirt before us, and moved the game and perception of youth leadership into a better place. Quite simply, I wouldn’t have had the year I have, without every ounce of effort, every minute invested, every person who has been involved within The FA Youth Leadership Programme. Every person.

In January I wrote myself a letter, the content can be found in an earlier blog. An open letter, preparing for the start of the end... thankfully preparation which has been delayed. The chapter ended, but the book didn’t.

Noticeably growing as a person, there have been so many milestones. Milestones I have against my name, but they don’t belong to me… to my team, to our community.

-Taking up the role to Chair the FA Youth Council.
-Being inducted onto FA Council, youngest person ever to do so.
-Attending and contributing at FA Committee & Representative meetings.
-Representing The FA, Youth Council and Young People in Romania working alongside UEFA, building bridges.
-Leading the transition of The FA Youth Council, striving.

The team are and continue to push the envelope, leading research into Youth Diversity in Football, implementing learning and development programmes, engaging and supporting County FAs to really see the importance of having young people within decision making processes. We’ve projects and programmes lined up, numerous requests and much deserved interest of others to access our expertise. Our sphere of influence is expanding, I believe rightly so.

Personally, I continue to astonish myself. Pushing my own capabilities, riding waves which were once a nice sight seen safely from the shore.

2017, has been emotional, for reasons beyond this blog, real life which transpired unexpectedly. Made bearable by surrounding myself with wonderful people, who I can’t wait to continue striding alongside with into 2018. 

I would try and close this blog with some words of wisdom, however they would be positive intentions which I don't uphold. Instead, here are my top 3 lessons from events this year...

- It's ok, not to be ok. 

Just don't live there, or try to fight it alone.. contrary to self belief - a lot of people care and want to help.

- Get your priorities right, for you.

Earlier this year my brother spent 2 nights in hospital having to have 2 operations following a playground incident. I had a choice, stay in Somerset and worry - or drive home to see him. Easy choice, I want Ben to grow up knowing he can depend on me, as I do for all of my close friends and family. 

- Time, it can be spent, wasted or invested.

Invest in the people who make your heart smile, in the activities which fuel your interest and in places where you can make a difference. Waste it wisely.

I've got so much to learn, get better at and should probably start with taking my own advice. 

In 2018, I can do anything.. but not everything.

SN

Just a Girl From Telford

It's surreal, to consider how things could have been so different. To know that our lives are one decision away from something else. 

The option to put one foot in front of the other, in the direction I feel to be right has served me well so far. I've blogged previously around the need to pause on the pursuit, to slow down and enjoy the ride. It's at a point now where I'm overwhelmed in being asked to speak at events, considering the learning and opportunities I've had, looking back trying to piece things back together which is at times difficult to comprehend. Just a girl from Telford. 

Trying to break the story down, I've got 4 points. Similar to the route to climbing Mount Everest, the most important is at base camp to always return to, reaching up to my summit.

1] Figure out what you're passionate about. 

As Roald Dahl said, luke warm is no good. It's not. As the starting point, finding what you enjoy and following that provides a pretty good base and anchor to return to.

2] The People.

Surround yourself with people who want you to be successful, and will help you get there. Networks are so important, I simply wouldn't be where I am without mine. Everyone plays a part, in supporting, challenging, telling you what you don't want to hear and being there for the peaks and troughs. 

3] Take chances.

Say yes. Opportunities present themselves in many different ways. Take them. Make mistakes. Learn from them. As time progresses, we figure out when to say no.. which becomes to be as important as saying yes. What a wonderful paradox. 

4] Enjoy the summit.

It's not about staying there, gloating and bragging. Enjoying where you are, and accepting that there are many more mountains to climb and conquer. Realising your peak and not settling for anything less, then working for more.

I like the idea that we are our own mountains. In finding success we must conquer ourselves. 

Sounds like an adventure worth having. 

Romania - The Art of Noticing

'That's a long way to go for two days.' 

A common phrase I've heard the past couple of weeks, both before and since returning from Romania. A long way perhaps to visit the only other nation dipping their toes in youth leadership. A long way to view the world through a different lens and take stock of the Romanian Football Federation taking the first steps of their learning journey. 

The gulf in culture and society may be at large, but the distance between one human to another is incredibly slim if we take the opportunity to simply connect. 

After a phone call with the Romanian Football Federation a few weeks ago, the opportunity to meet first hand seemed appropriate, especially to be a part of their Youth Council - second edition. A 4 day programme for young people who had applied to be a part of the Youth Council, delivered through a partnering foundation was our scene at the National Football Centre in Buftea - just outside the Romanian capital of Bucharest. 4 days of learning around coming together as a team, managing challenges, developing and implementing strategic planning. This resulting in the group developing their own ideas for youth led projects to develop football within their respective communities. 

At first glance, and from a limited amount of knowledge of the history of Romania and their culture, it would be easy to question why we were there. The differences as already noted are quite sizeable. But at times I believe it is differences which bring us together, not despite them, but because of them. 

I arrived part way through the week and part way through the night. Unsure as to what reception I would receive, another nosy neighbour, an outsider perhaps? Those thoughts certainly quashed immediately on arrival. Greeted with warming smiles and handshakes which continued through the following morning and breakfast. 

The natural desire to connect has never been so visible to me than throughout my time in Romania. Our common purpose or cause, to use football as a tool, was our only connector but with it came so much more. We travelled to learn around how the Federation were implementing youth leadership, what that looked like in action. How the country are trying to build their own bridges whilst building ours on an international stage with the help of UEFA. 

Thinking bigger picture, we could be on the verge of something really game changing. 

Thinking smaller stage, I don't think I've felt so tremendously engaged person to person for a long time. With those from the Federation, our German friends from the partnering foundation and those members of the youth council. A genuine want to share thoughts and listen. The simplicity of connection. We have so much technology which is removing the opportunity to feel, to understand, to discuss, to think. By disconnecting from the virtual world and being present, I heard so much more. 

The stories of individuals. The desires and deepest passions. The opportunity to integrate with others like me, to learn and grow with them. To find meaning. To remember why we do what we do. 

Time will tell if these actions create the fruits hoped for. Throughout the time I was there, the question 'what's your why?' Or 'what's your cause?' Came up again and again. A question I don't remember being answered in the broader sense of why the Federation want to involve young people. But I got a sense of mutual understanding from all that this is the right thing to be doing. I think direction is needed to ensure there is real meaning and understanding of the cause. I like the thought, 'if you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?' And it doesn't ring any truer than right now. 

In the midst of leading The FA Youth Council, taking our seat on FA Council and managing EVERYTHING which comes with it over the last few months, the few days away provided a welcomed break and opportunity to re-align thoughts. To take stock of progress made, and acknowledge what is yet to come. 

The option to see through different eyes, and look at our work through a differing perspective. 

It is the art of noticing and taking opportunities, to disconnect to be able to connect with oneself and others. I've found great value and pleasure in talking about what brings us alive, how can we work together for the greater good. And the feeling of being a part of something bigger. A feeling of belonging.

I might have been a minute behind most jokes, very poor at speaking Romanian and slow to hear what isn't being said. But I was a part of it all. Not the outsider. Not the nosy neighbour. But a valued cog in the community which we are slowly starting to build. 

The art of noticing isn't the glaringly obvious which goes unseen, but the pauses in between the notes which are there all along which we just don't value their worth. It's leaving space in your cup for the input of others, for being present and coming together with the ambition of succeeding together. 

Multumesc foarte mult Romania.

Thank you very much Romania, for showing me the gaps between the notes.