Exit Stage Right

I am, and will be forever grateful to so many people.

Right now I feel empty. The final whistle has gone, and I've left everything out there. Exhausted. But I know my roller-coaster kart in reaching the end point whizzing and whirling, with me laughing and screaming along. Returning for me to get off, for the next group of people to take the ride.

Whilst this will be a tough transition, where I will slide along the change curve, it is also a time where I will continue to be generous and waste no compliments.

To Steve, Donna, Lauren & Karl - I have lived recent years in taking risks and chances on people who I believe could realise their potential. I have lived in the knowledge that you all took a chance on me in speaking at that programme launch, representing The FA and putting me into arenas where I had no choice but to learn and grow.

You all have given me something which I will never be able to put into words, you've given me somewhere I belong, and somewhere I will always call home.

A sense of belonging I have been trying to create for everyone associated with our work, programme. A place where people feel safe.

  

To Amber - We wouldn't have met in the street, but I'm glad life brought us together. I have the most beautiful friendship, which I wouldn't change for the world. We've shared a lot of moments, life changes and successes. It comforts me to know I have you holding me up when I cant find the strength myself. I'm excited for all that is ahead for us both.

Through The FA's Youth Leadership Programme, I have a collection of the most valuable treasure. Friendship.

To all of my team mates, over the past five and half years I have strived to be a colleague you've been glad to have. I have enjoyed being a part of your journeys, and for you being a part of mine. Whether our friendship has outlived our time together representing the Youth Council or not, I'm grateful for your presence.

To Kieren, thank you for entrusting me with the baton. I've have been proud to carry on from you, and kept a safe grip on our dreams and started to bring them to life.

I wanted to represent The FA Youth Council to allow others to feel how I once did, I've ended up with the ambition to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to find and be their best self.

To my support network, of mentors, not so young people with young hearts, passers by who might not have been here for a long time - but most definitely created moments and opportunities for me to realise my own potential. I wouldn't be the person I am, if it wasn't for those who are generous with their time- whether it's reading my long emails, picking up the phone, forcing me to use my words or just sitting in silence. I see you all, and now you see me.

The best thing, is the chapter ends but the book doesn't. What I know for sure, is the people around me are here to stay. Not because of a role, but because of who I am. I'm grateful for their time, that already spent and the minutes yet to come.

To our people, our youth leaders - I don't think I will ever come to understand the impact I have had, I hope over the next few weeks and months, as I reflect, I will be able to appreciate the small parts played in the lives of others. Thank you for coming on this journey with us, for being all in, for entering the arena and showing up. Your energy inspires me to keep pushing my own glass ceiling - please do right by you and your people. It's the least the world deserves.

Good people bring out the good in people. I believe my purpose is to be a good human being. In doing so, I can only hope that other's can find and live their purpose. We're in a privileged position to be able to change people's lives, a power which cannot be underestimated.

To The FA - I did at one point try to work out how much money the organisation has invested in me. I stopped, and just decided to appreciate that wouldn't have happened if I wasn't a good return on investment. I've lived through too many restructures, and seen colleagues and friends move on which has been painful. I've also seen the organisation announce a huge amount of funding for Youth Leadership over the next few years. Thank you for believing in us, please keep the faith.

To my family, and to Ben - my proudest achievement to date is giving you someone to rely on, to depends on and trust. Someone who allows you to live your own dreams because you've seen me living mine.

I've been inspired, and hopefully inspired. My time within The FA's Youth Leadership Programme as a youth leader has come to an end. Through this blog, I have tried to encapsulate the journey, the truth is no words can describe the feeling I have and the culture we hold so close.

The memories I have will be guarded for the rest of my life.

I now pass on the baton to Chris, Roya & Alex. Three people who lead with their hearts, and have my full support.

My Dad told me, 'if you do what you enjoy, you will be the richest person the planet.' Thank you for giving me a wealth I didn't know I needed, but never want to lose.

  

SN x

Where I Call Home.

For context, letter written for FA Youth Council end of season dinner if I was unable to speak from my heart. It went unopened, but worth sharing, as my gratitude and love goes beyond those in the room.

July 2019

Hopefully this doesn't get opened or read. But in the probable case that you're crying uncontrollably and need some help - here it is. You've always been better at writing than speaking.

I've always wanted the same for you as I have Ben. I wanted you to have someone to rely on, someone you can depend on. Someone who will always be here. 

There's no hiding this season has been a bit of a pickle. Personally, I couldn't cope with things going on around me. But there is a reason I left my job before jeopardising my role here. To paraphrase JK Rowling, Youth Council has been my Hogwarts - always welcoming me home. You all have. It hurts me knowing how hurt some of us have been because of mental health reasons. I'm proud we've built a culture where we've been able to share our challenges. All I've ever tried to do is protect you all and Youth Council, for it to remain a safe space for us all.

I hope I've served you all as expected. It's been a genuine honour and the greatest privilege of my life so far. I've worn our badge, lived our culture and followed our compass every step of the way.
There are so many people who have helped me over the last 10 years. Who believed in me when I wasn't sure I could find it in myself. I've sat through too many FA restructures. Ridden the ebb and flow of FA life and am so incredibly grateful for my close friends, family and mentors who have helped me bring the zoo to life.Who have had my back and supported me along this pursuit.

I've written you all a letter, and you deserve so much more. I've bought a gift and will attempt a speech about our staff and vice-chairs, or I'll read their letters if I can't manage that.

I'm so grateful to The FA for investing in me. Supporting and giving me the opportunities to create the journey I've had. Time for me to give the shirt back, and pass it on. Please always follow your moral compass, not the marks of time or worse - any kind of KPI. The world, and you are better than that.

I think Toy Story 4 said it best. I, like Andy, cant hold onto a kid, or role anymore. I need to be a lost toy - but I'm not really lost at all. Not anymore.

At the end of that Lionesses documentary, Steph Houghton closed the show with a few thoughts which mirror mine- so here they are:

'I don't ever take this role for granted, for the last 4-5 years it's been a roller-coaster - it's been a roller-coaster but I've enjoyed ever single minute. I'm really proud to wear the England shirt, I'm really proud to be part of such a special group and even more proud, especially for my family that I've been able to lead these girls  our team out and really hopefully go onto something greater than we've ever done before.'

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You don’t need a role or title, just heart and direction. 

I think that’s what I’ve learnt over the last 10 years. Of wading my way through experiences, roles, insecurities and doubts. Reaching the end of this wonderful youth leadership journey, the final few pages. I can’t ever promise that others will have the same journey I have, but I can promise, that the pathway is clearer, brighter and open for anyone who wants to find themselves as a leader and person.

My companions. The people I’ve met, made friends with and enjoyed striding with. I’ve written about them a lot across my blog. But I cannot write of their importance enough. I’m grateful for the acquaintances who have become my north stars. Who have become the most special people whose time I value so much. The people who have kept me on track, told me to get a grip on regular occurrences. Who have enjoyed my successes as if they were their own. The people who have helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life so far. The great news is that these people are here forever. And I love them so much.

I guess I’ve been able to face a lot of personal barriers. The lack of self-confidence, the perfectionism, the self-criticism which is way and above criticism. I come away from my time within the youth leadership process as a better person. With the self-awareness to recognise who I am, what I stand for and able to open the zoo. I’m proud of who I’ve fought to become.

I’m even prouder of every person who I’ve been able to come into contact with, support, help, encourage along their own journey. Because it is the fire of enthusiasm and development which continues to inspire me to do more and be more. It’s knowing that everything I do is on behalf of something much bigger than myself which drives me to keep pushing, arguing and working to ensure young people have everything they need to reach and maximise their potential. Planting the tree I won’t sit under, or eat the fruits from. But knowing someone one day will, because someone did the same for me.

The line in my head, always, is ‘someone once took a chance on you.’ Which they did. Someone took a chance on me, which I hope I’ve showed faith in. I’ve done things beyond my wildest dreams because I was aiming too low. Or maybe, I didn’t realise what was possible.

There’s something endearing about naive people like like I was, who break barrier after barrier. Without fear or at times knowledge of what the impact is. But there’s something cooler, about people who realise the big picture and ambitiously run full speed into challenge and back themselves to come out alive and on the winning side.
I’ve fought a lot of battles, maybe not won the war. But that was never for me to do.

It’s taken a lot of thought. But I’m ready for this to come to a close. To be able to walk away knowing I’ve done all I can. The setbacks have been redirections which have allowed for learning and new/ better opportunities. I’m moving from front and centre, to supporter from the sideline. It’s going to be strange. But it’s time. And I know that.

Before anybody asks that question for the millionth time. No, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the spare time. No, I’m not sure what I’m going to do next. And I’m 100% ok with that.

I’m going to close this waffle, and in part the chapter with a thank you to my two biggest supporters. To Mom & Dad. Without whom, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. I wouldn’t have been able to get near the opportunities I have. I owe them both so much, I know I’m making them proud. Reaching for the moon, as the stars await if I miss. Thank you for teaching me dream, and helping me bring that to life. For giving me the tough talks when I needed them, for supporting - not judging my life decisions. And for being as excited and scared about my next chapter as I am. I love you more than you’ll ever know.