Where I Call Home.

For context, letter written for FA Youth Council end of season dinner if I was unable to speak from my heart. It went unopened, but worth sharing, as my gratitude and love goes beyond those in the room.

July 2019

Hopefully this doesn't get opened or read. But in the probable case that you're crying uncontrollably and need some help - here it is. You've always been better at writing than speaking.

I've always wanted the same for you as I have Ben. I wanted you to have someone to rely on, someone you can depend on. Someone who will always be here. 

There's no hiding this season has been a bit of a pickle. Personally, I couldn't cope with things going on around me. But there is a reason I left my job before jeopardising my role here. To paraphrase JK Rowling, Youth Council has been my Hogwarts - always welcoming me home. You all have. It hurts me knowing how hurt some of us have been because of mental health reasons. I'm proud we've built a culture where we've been able to share our challenges. All I've ever tried to do is protect you all and Youth Council, for it to remain a safe space for us all.

I hope I've served you all as expected. It's been a genuine honour and the greatest privilege of my life so far. I've worn our badge, lived our culture and followed our compass every step of the way.
There are so many people who have helped me over the last 10 years. Who believed in me when I wasn't sure I could find it in myself. I've sat through too many FA restructures. Ridden the ebb and flow of FA life and am so incredibly grateful for my close friends, family and mentors who have helped me bring the zoo to life.Who have had my back and supported me along this pursuit.

I've written you all a letter, and you deserve so much more. I've bought a gift and will attempt a speech about our staff and vice-chairs, or I'll read their letters if I can't manage that.

I'm so grateful to The FA for investing in me. Supporting and giving me the opportunities to create the journey I've had. Time for me to give the shirt back, and pass it on. Please always follow your moral compass, not the marks of time or worse - any kind of KPI. The world, and you are better than that.

I think Toy Story 4 said it best. I, like Andy, cant hold onto a kid, or role anymore. I need to be a lost toy - but I'm not really lost at all. Not anymore.

At the end of that Lionesses documentary, Steph Houghton closed the show with a few thoughts which mirror mine- so here they are:

'I don't ever take this role for granted, for the last 4-5 years it's been a roller-coaster - it's been a roller-coaster but I've enjoyed ever single minute. I'm really proud to wear the England shirt, I'm really proud to be part of such a special group and even more proud, especially for my family that I've been able to lead these girls  our team out and really hopefully go onto something greater than we've ever done before.'

Untitled

You don’t need a role or title, just heart and direction. 

I think that’s what I’ve learnt over the last 10 years. Of wading my way through experiences, roles, insecurities and doubts. Reaching the end of this wonderful youth leadership journey, the final few pages. I can’t ever promise that others will have the same journey I have, but I can promise, that the pathway is clearer, brighter and open for anyone who wants to find themselves as a leader and person.

My companions. The people I’ve met, made friends with and enjoyed striding with. I’ve written about them a lot across my blog. But I cannot write of their importance enough. I’m grateful for the acquaintances who have become my north stars. Who have become the most special people whose time I value so much. The people who have kept me on track, told me to get a grip on regular occurrences. Who have enjoyed my successes as if they were their own. The people who have helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life so far. The great news is that these people are here forever. And I love them so much.

I guess I’ve been able to face a lot of personal barriers. The lack of self-confidence, the perfectionism, the self-criticism which is way and above criticism. I come away from my time within the youth leadership process as a better person. With the self-awareness to recognise who I am, what I stand for and able to open the zoo. I’m proud of who I’ve fought to become.

I’m even prouder of every person who I’ve been able to come into contact with, support, help, encourage along their own journey. Because it is the fire of enthusiasm and development which continues to inspire me to do more and be more. It’s knowing that everything I do is on behalf of something much bigger than myself which drives me to keep pushing, arguing and working to ensure young people have everything they need to reach and maximise their potential. Planting the tree I won’t sit under, or eat the fruits from. But knowing someone one day will, because someone did the same for me.

The line in my head, always, is ‘someone once took a chance on you.’ Which they did. Someone took a chance on me, which I hope I’ve showed faith in. I’ve done things beyond my wildest dreams because I was aiming too low. Or maybe, I didn’t realise what was possible.

There’s something endearing about naive people like like I was, who break barrier after barrier. Without fear or at times knowledge of what the impact is. But there’s something cooler, about people who realise the big picture and ambitiously run full speed into challenge and back themselves to come out alive and on the winning side.
I’ve fought a lot of battles, maybe not won the war. But that was never for me to do.

It’s taken a lot of thought. But I’m ready for this to come to a close. To be able to walk away knowing I’ve done all I can. The setbacks have been redirections which have allowed for learning and new/ better opportunities. I’m moving from front and centre, to supporter from the sideline. It’s going to be strange. But it’s time. And I know that.

Before anybody asks that question for the millionth time. No, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the spare time. No, I’m not sure what I’m going to do next. And I’m 100% ok with that.

I’m going to close this waffle, and in part the chapter with a thank you to my two biggest supporters. To Mom & Dad. Without whom, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. I wouldn’t have been able to get near the opportunities I have. I owe them both so much, I know I’m making them proud. Reaching for the moon, as the stars await if I miss. Thank you for teaching me dream, and helping me bring that to life. For giving me the tough talks when I needed them, for supporting - not judging my life decisions. And for being as excited and scared about my next chapter as I am. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

My Call to Courage. Ethiopia.

Ethiopia. 11pm - 13/6/19

Before we start, a quick disclaimer. This post was/is a late night, airport waiting room mind drop of thoughts surrounding this current leg of my personal journey. A further post following time to reflect in full will emerge over the coming days containing more about the content of the week I've just had.

On with the show...

There's no denying the last few months have seen me hit rock bottom. There's a quote somewhere about having to hit rock bottom to then find your opportunity to rebuild. It's also when there are pits that you can develop platforms for peaks. 

It's in making decisions - for me, by me - in recent months which have allowed me to redefine 'stress'- what it looks and feels like. I've moved away from stress controlling my life, containing my happiness and joy... to becoming the birth place for this new chapter. 

Let me paint you a picture, I've spent the last 5 days in Ethiopia, on behalf of The FA co-delivering a leadership programme to local leaders of the game. Before I go on, you can already start to picture environmental differences, potential upcoming challenges and a need to flex and adapt. We faced several unexpected challenges which weren't apparent until arrival or day to day. This week is the week of national exams for Ethiopia, the government cut off all wifi and phone data access across the nation to stop questions and answers being shared. We learnt that power cuts were common due to the cost of electricity. Things we see as basic, or to some necessities, to others really aren't important at all.  

Imagine being me, the deep thinker looking for meaning in every action and moment. Being faced with challenge after challenge. Unable to stop and try to make sense of it all. Bouncing from moment to moment. 

I was asked earlier, how highly stressed did I feel? Throughout the week, I couldn't relate to a feeling of 'stress' which I'm used to. Stress being this negative emotion, sapping of energy and the ability to think clearly under pressure. The closest I felt to this, was trying to sleep at night - trying to get in the hours to be on top form the following day. 

This week, I've felt the thrill of this new stress. The thrill of so many challenges, far more than I expected or imagined. I've been required to find a new, better, improved Sarah Nick. I didn't have a choice, but to embrace everything in front of me. Embrace, or what? Escape, not really an option. Panic, flap, lose my own self discipline? For the benefit of who? Even if that's what I felt inside, I've been trusted with a role, task, adventure and I wasn't going to let be put in jeopardy because it was uncomfortable. 

I think it's rather amazing, the ceilings we break through. The doubts ignored. Perceptions left behind. The people we become when we simply have no other option. 

Don't be fooled, I was far from perfect this week. Made mistakes, had my own fall down moments. But I owned all of them. Owned them, sat with the discomfort and emotion, had to learn quickly - take the key point and build on it next time. It's like I've been in a vacuum. Leadership is messy, and hard, and looks different.  But, 'sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.' Just show up? This isn't 'just' anything, this is being present to every moment. 

I've got a lot to reflect on and mull over. This week has been tough for so many reasons. But it has also been the birthplace of new ground broken, for owning moments and sharing a common passion of football with new friends across the world.

Ethiopian National Stadium

The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure (Joseph Campbell)

I said yes. 

12 Month Letters

In 2015, my friend and OG, Amber and I started writing ourselves letters. Letters to ourselves to open a year later. These letters hold our individual goals and aspirations for the year ahead. On or after the allocated date, a year on, Amber and I sit with a coffee and reflect through our thoughts, achievements and goals.

You may or may not know yet, I have decided to leave my job at Somerset FA, and will be moving back to Shropshire at the end of April. This is in a different post -but just know, it's a decision for me, by me. And I cant wait for the next chapter of my journey.

Anyway, in starting to pack up my life, I have found the letters I wrote myself in 2016 and 2017. In finding them, I've realised that even though I might not have achieved the goals within the year I wrote them, but time has enabled me to work through and past them. As these are mine, I thought I'd chuck them on here... you liked the last letter I wrote myself :)

26/7/2016

12 months time from 26/7/16 - 26/7/17

- Find a way to reign in the crocodile

-Take on more responsibility and progress at work and within the National Game Youth Council

-Take a holiday

-Continue to strive for perfection, enjoy learning and embracing the want to continue to develop as a person.
-Be a swan
-Be brave enough not to settle.

SN

14/8/17

To Sarah

In writing this and considering thoughts for the next 12 months, please don't forget to enjoy and be present. Here are your big hitter for the next 12:
-Learn to slow down
-Make the most of the opportunity in front of you.
-Really represent FA Youth Council on the biggest and smallest stages.
-Find some form of purpose.

-Stay true, don't get lost, ask for directions.

-To move on from Somerset FA, into a role which fuels your life. Find something which makes you come alive most days, not on the odd day.

-Figure a way to believe in you. Wear it. Don't keep it in your backpack.

Take your zoo with you. Be sure to open it.

Catch you at your best.

SN

My 2018/19 letter is securely enveloped and in the hands of Amber, as I have her letter ensuring we don't cheat and also commit to ourselves and each other. I don't know where I'll be when I open that next one, and that is a thought which excites me a lot.

SN

Pursuing Happyness

Dear Blog Readers,

Rather than a 10 minute read, here is a 10 minute listen.

A seemingly tough decision, adventure awaits.

SN x

Amongst the Chaos.

They say, amongst the the chaos is where you find the most calm. It's when you're surrounded by the masses, that you can feel most alone. Paradoxically, it is in the small that we find the big. 

The problem is, too many people are looking at the big and not seeing the small. The small, genuine moments and opportunities to connect, be present and to change the world in eyes of others. It doesn't take much to start noticing, just the ability to stop and think. 

Last week saw the start of the Sport Industry Next Gen Programme, where I alongside 29 peers were inducted onto the 2019 programme. Meeting for the first time, and starting the next chapter of our journeys together. 

Tagline of the 'top 30 under 30', this group of individuals are lighting up the sporting industry across so many roles and organisations. Leading the line for change, evolution and creating new pathways for others to follow. I'm humbled to be one of them. Last week, we met for the first time. Supported by an incredible team of coaches, the group seemed to fit perfectly in place. Everyone was present to the thoughts of others, wanting to raise everyone up, willing 'success' for all. I like that. I think there is something powerful in people building up others. We need more of that.

For an afternoon in February, I was able to come away from reality and immerse myself in the interest and needs of others. Technology switched off. Felt connection, definitely on. 

I decided to give myself permission to feel confident, to feel deserving, to enjoy every moment without guilt. Something I don't do enough. For why, I don't know. I guess I see myself as a servant of my team, of my cause. The job is never done, we can always do more and be more. I guess I fear confidence, and the broken line into arrogance. I fear it, so I avoid it. I wonder what else I have missed out on because of fear. 

Yesterday I was sent photos from the time we had together last week. I don't usually like photos of me, but this one caught me. 

There's so much going on. I was talking about my perception of leadership, but that really is irrelevant. 

This is Sarah Nickless, comfortable in the company of new acquaintances, seemingly happy. And I was. I need more of this. We all do. 

The space to be our unapologetic best. 

As Roald Dahl put it:
'A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.'

To A Younger Self..

I'm always writing letters, for the future self. For different moments, when I need a pep talk, when I need a reminder of moments, roots and dreams. Although I might reflect on events, opportunities and lessons I probably owe myself a little something more. This one is a bit more personal, but a welcome reminder of what warriors are built from...

A letter to my 8 year old self...


Dear Sah,

I'm proud of you, for knowing life isn't all we want it to be... but you're willing to take on the challenge. You'll never be the popular fashionista, lets get that out the way early doors.. it just isn't for you - and you will grow to learn that 'being real' is about who you are, for you. Not for the attention of anyone else.

There will be times, testing times, which will hurt and never be forgotten. A night in May 2003, when you'll miss that parents evening, ask your parents if they are splitting up and get the reply of 'yes'. That will be awful. Just remember though, Mom and Dad might not love each other, but they certainly love you. Even among the heartache, you'll have that memory, of sitting on their bed looking through all the photos and moments shared.. there will be many more.

You'll play in your first football match, be the attack, midfield and defence - at the same time! Captain your school team and quite possibly fall in love with a game which will change your life. That welcome distraction to real life is worth every second of ecstasy across the white line, enjoy it though Sah, your body might not hold out for too long [Spoiler: it wont].

You won't appreciate it at the time, but Mom and Dad will give up a lot for you to play football, take care of your fan club. You'll become 'the football girl' at school. End up in the wrong friendship group, be present to be people breaking the law in front of you eyes and choose not to be involved. A leader at 12/13 you just don't know it. Once again, football will be your release. A route away from the bullies, the daily struggle. Dad will keep telling you, keep your chin up.

The trophies will mount, and so will the memories. Good ones. League titles, cup winners, a day out in  Birmingham. The memories will stand out because of the culture you will help create, The Panthers Way. A shirt holding so much pride. You wont realise it, but that team will teach you a lot. How to win graciously. How to lose. To make mistakes and own them. To show emotions you didn't think could come out over some game. You'll cry on that pitch, because you care.

Despite growing to a grand total of 6 foot 1, you will only score 1 header, when a 'keeper drops a ball on your face. Embrace it. Your only other 'header' will be an own goal in a cup final winning you concussion, nothing more. Crossbar rebounds are not ideal.

School won't be easy. Don't be fooled with that 'gifted and talented list', your aptitude for languages won't make it to GCSE, quit whilst you're ahead. This is where you will learn life's biggest lessons. No, they won't be those subjects. But how important people and relationships are. How to make them, and how to break them. Your PE teachers won't back you, but you need to back yourself. Go get that A grade, prove them wrong. You will probably doubt your place in Set One English, but your teacher won't. Trust them. Please learn that people care about you. As a person, not a student. You won't see the challenges you're creating, but teachers are protecting you from others. You will get moved classes, you will have a full online log, you will become someone who realises their limit. That's ok.

2010 will be a tough one. Holland tour, followed by your GCSEs, losing Nan and then going your own way with college choices. October will see your last opportunity to enjoy playing football. It is what it is, Sah. One door and all that. College will be worse than school. Full of people you wont like, but they will teach you traits to avoid and give you some focus to move into a crowd where you belong... stick with it kid. The knees wont hold up, you'll get frustrated. No escape, no go to release, no outlet. But this will change the direction of everything.

Everything you've learnt about the game will be important now. About how you pass it on, and let others enjoy the game you love so much. You might be naive to think you will be out playing again, don't hold your breathe. But trust you ability to allow others to.

Someone will see something in you. Something you wont see in yourself [spoiler: this will be a life trend].

The FA will enter your life, more prominently than you ever imagined. You'll be off to events around the country. Deliver a speech to launch a programme. Most importantly, in this time, you will meet people who will become friends you'll climb mountains with. Those people, will make you happy and push you to be your best self. They will celebrate your successes as much as you will celebrate theirs. You'll leave college and not look back, marching towards university and a promised land. With a spring in your step, because you belong now. In your own crowd, of people who care about the people. They get it.

Look Sah, the good runs with the bad. Moving to Uni will be crap. It will hurt. You wont want to. But you'll grow a resilience and get used to moving away, travelling and getting back in the race [not literally, you still wont be able to run]. I know you'll think uni is different, that everyone is there to learn. You need to know that's not a reality. Unfortunate, but true. That's ok though, don't need anyone else to do your degree for you.

Didn't see a published paper coming? How about 3 of them? Didn't think you liked reading? Cant wait for you to fall in love with books and crave learning. You will undoubtedly touch and influence so many lives positively, in the same way others did for you. Spend your student loan travelling to coach every night, to go to events and keep being involved with those FA programmes. It will serve you better than following the crowd, but you'll never do that anyway.

Heck Sah, you'll have applications turned down for those opportunities you want. They will hurt. You will feel like you're not good enough. Those friends you were making, they will become so important - please look after them, as they will look after you. Have patience, trust those setbacks are for the best. That there is something to learn. No, you won't represent The FA Youth Council at first attempt, nor be a part of the BUCS SMG either.. not yet anyway. But your time will come, have hope. You might feel the world is against you, things will happen that you didn't see coming. I'm sorry. So is everyone, they will keep saying it.

Grandad might not see what is to follow in person, but he's watching. 

There will be so many 'proud parent' moments. You and Mom will have so many car journeys. That 'Take That' CD will be played over and over again. Enjoy these. Never Forget will become an anthem, just you wait.

Look Sah, life will become a blur from 2014 onwards. FA Youth Council will become a reality, it will consume your life, be ready. Scared of flying? 2 trip to Africa are coming in the same year. Ever doubted yourself? This year will give you every reason to believe, don't worry, I know this will still be a problem for you.

First Class Degree? Completed it mate. You'll get it. The real world awaits.

I know you're a home bird. But the dream is now an option. It won't be for long you might think. Moving away again. Ben won't like it. [Didn't I mention? you'll get a new best friend. That's a half brother by the way.] You'll make friends, with the M5.

The Youth Council dream stays alive. I know it wasn't ever in the plan, but you'll Chair it one day. You'll go for a promotion at work and get a knock back. You'll get frustrated and miss home, a lot. But you'll also meet and make some more incredible friends. Real ones.

You'll phone Mom to say you've made it, and she'll tell her friends 'cause she's so proud. You'll take Dad to Wembley, and Becky to watch England. You'll visit more countries and continue to struggle with the food.

Most importantly, you will stay true to your values and the person you are. Become the youngest FA Council member, and continue the work of so many others who are believing in the potential of young people.

You'll continue to astonish yourself. Make decisions for you which will come off, others wont.

I'm glad a younger you cant actually see any of this coming. I'm glad you're going to be living a life you're proud of, full of amazing people who will make you happy. You're making Mom & Dad proud everyday, don't you worry about that.

You're gonna change the world, keep being kind and take people with you. 

Always remember, Sah, the person on top of the mountain didn't fall there. Miley will tell you to keep climbing, listen to her and you'll find that summit one day. 

Strive Sarah Nickless, strive and stride.